Nightmares

Art by Dillon Samuelson

Often when we have nightmares, it can be difficult to move past what we felt in the dream in order to discover the meaning within the symbolism that occurred.

This is the nightmare I had last night and I will talk about what I see in the the imagery:

Dream Journal Entry: July 29, 2021

I had horrible dreams last night. I'm not sure where I was but this guy comes in claiming to be Doug Carney. I knew something was off but I played along anyway. I can't remember a lot of the details of the interactions with this guy but Inara and Mahina were there with me. I think I observed some disturbing things like seeing this guy with two heads at times. At one point I told him that I knew he wasn't Doug because he didn't even look like him. 

"X" showed up saying he was there to bring us back to Oregon with him. I hadn't told him yet that I wasn't intending to go back, but he had started to pack our things up. I noticed he had packed up the table and was currently sleeping on a black leather couch. I didn't want to go back with him and knew I would have to tell him we weren't going back with him but I was sort of scared to say it. 

There was a weird bit about him having made himself a burger that had something like five or six patties. I wondered if he had used all the burger for his meal. 

The guy pretending to be Doug is still there and he is with this group of people who aren't nice people and he has let them in the space. I didn't want them to be there. They are all sketchy. I have this sense that they are a group of actors. It feels like they are coming after me now. This guy pretending to be Doug seems to be the leader. I am trying to get away from them and am also trying to make sure Mahina and Inara are kept safe away from them. But they are starting to chase me. There are all of these giant men who had no heads and their testicles and penises had been removed but their bodies were animated and coming after me. It seems they are gathering ingredients in order to cook me with so they could eat me. I was running away and then just stopped and started saying over and over, "I am the light. I am the way. I am the light. I am the way." For some reason this had power over these people and kept them from being able to harm me. It felt like this phrase has been used before and it was successful in thwarting evil doers before.

By Crispijn van de Passe

I woke up with my heart racing and me being really glad I was no longer in the dream. I tried to look up if that is a phrase from the bible but my eyes were too blurry and couldn't read anything.

When I went back to sleep, I was back with this guy who had pretended to be Doug but he is indicating that he is no longer like his former self that frightened me and tried to hurt me. Somehow his contact with me had changed him and he was interested in me now. I wasn't sure what to think of it so was guarded and cautious. He is playing a song for me and is singing along with it to me. I can't remember the exact words or tune anymore but he is singing that I am his light..."you are my light".

When I woke up, I told mom about the dream and asked her if she had ever heard the phrase before. She said she had and it was in the bible in a couple different places.

John 14:6

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

John 8:12

Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”

The last fortune from The book of fortune 1883 edition by Jean Cousin

Interpretations and Symbolism

The giant beings = giant fears:

Procreation is an act of creation, therefore, having penis and testicles cut away represents an inability to create and in this case they had been cut off. Testicles contain seed and the penis represents the mode in which the seed is distributed. The penis also represents "giving" and to see it having been cut away removes our ability to fully give. This could be seen as the fear of not being able to create.

Someone without a head could be seen as "mindless" or having "lost their head" over something. It could also be seen as a fear of losing one's mind.

The giant size of the headless people represents that they were giant fears and these fears I was running from were threatening to devour me... until I stopped running from them and faced them, confronted them. 

Art by Tomasz Alen Kopera 

Sometimes he had two heads:

Sometimes he was of two minds and this bothered me. I didn't like it.

Masquerading as someone else:

Pretending to be someone you aren't and putting on a show like an actor could be seen as showing up as someone you aren't really.

The person he was pretending to be is someone I know of as very funny, but I considered also his initials have meaning. Doug Carney... "DC" as in an electrical current.

Alternating Current (AC) is a type of electrical current, in which the direction of the flow of electrons switches back and forth at regular intervals or cycles. Current flowing in power lines and normal household electricity that comes from a wall outlet is alternating current. The standard current used in the U.S. is 60 cycles per second (i.e. a frequency of 60 Hz); in Europe and most other parts of the world it is 50 cycles per second (i.e. a frequency of 50 Hz.).

Direct current (DC) is electrical current which flows consistently in one direction. The current that flows in a flashlight or another appliance running on batteries is direct current.

One advantage of alternating current is that it is relatively cheap to change the voltage of the current. Furthermore, the inevitable loss of energy that occurs when current is carried over long distances is far smaller with alternating current than with direct current.

Source: GreenFacts

Now look at the graphic representation of the intensity of the current as a function of time:

Direct Current (DC)

Alternating Current (AC)

Source: GreenFacts

Do you see how DC looks like a flatline? So a DC person could be seen as "dead" and "energetically draining". DC people could be seen as those who look for batteries (people) to feed off of energetically. They are popularly known as "energy vampires" and as we know, vampires are actually the walking dead. The guy in my dream was only pretending to be a DC person.

Removing the table:

Tables are where we have meals. They are where we gather and have conversations. 

"What do they bring to the table"

Our offerings are put on the table. Sitting at the children's table could be seen as dialogue and offerings that are juvenile. This table was a full sized table and the removal of it would make it more difficult to eat or gather around to put things on it. You can't put anything on or off the table if it has been completely removed.

The black couch:

Couches are a recurring symbol in dreams. I'm mostly stumped by their presence. There are casting couches to get a job in questionable ways.. Dog house couches are where quarreling partners go to sleep apart. In searching for meaning and also knowing my guidance is often littered with puns and humor, I tried to find jokes/puns about couches and the only thing that sort of resonated was Sofa King = so fucking. So maybe it was a message of the X being so fucking asleep in his shadows....black representing shadows...and the feminine. In this case, the X's shadows are directly related to his mommy issues.

A conversation I had today where my friend suggested that one of the dream characters represented my phone hacker (yeah, I know you are still there reading my conversations 👋), what I said in response gave me pause. 

She said, "I think he could be your hacker."

I replied, "Could be, but the outer hacker can't exist without there being an inner one, too."

The same is true for partners and former ones. My inner X had removed the table...the place where I feed myself, the place where I put things out there, the place where I have conversations. The lingering X part of myself took it away when I ended my social media presence. Social media was where I collected ingredients, where I put it all together, where I kneaded it and turned it into bread to feed myself and share with others.

I castrated myself so that I couldn't create or plant seeds and cut off the heads of the platforms I was using. I thought that, by ending my social media presence, I was bringing balance because I was giving too much, but really I was just castrating my ability to create food for myself as well.

By going back and reading my own words, I now understood fully their value because I appreciated fully having them available in my library to go back to when I needed to fill my own cup. I have needed those reminders and the support of my own words.

I had to experience the absence of creating  in order to understand the full value of my process for creating and the creations themselves. At times I thought I was writing to help someone else, when the person who needed those messages, art and love expressions was a future version of me. When I go back and read something I wrote that I need to be reminded of, I thank myself and tell that older version of me how much I appreciate her having put those words there for me to read. I tell her how much I value her presence in my life. 

So when I dreamed, recently, about a tired, hungry hummingbird being caught in a guy's library and I suggested that he put some sugar water out for him, I knew what it meant. I knew it was time for me to resume my process for creating in order to create sweet food for my soul.

Art by Arthur Prince Spear

I am the light, I am the way:

The bible verses from John that seem related to what I recited in the dream left me feeling bothered because I read further into the chapter to understand the context.

I think Jesus might have gotten it wrong. I think ego might have gotten in the way because he was projecting too much and not teaching people how to save themselves. He was interpreting messages from "God" which was really just his own inner guidance. Sure, we can share those messages, but that doesn't mean my inner guidance is right for anyone but me or that it is the one true gospel from God.  

How many people in the spiritual community feel it is their duty to "save" people? We have lots of labels for it.

Light worker

Light warrior

Wounded warrior

Spiritual Healer

Guru

The list could go on and on. In a modern day social media arena, I would have rolled my eyes at Jesus for his arrogance and need for followers. 

He sacrificed himself unnecessarily as some sort of martyr and the after effects of that would be devastating and lead to a ripple effect of blood shed and wars through the development of the Christian religion; through opposers of it and through genocide to force their Christian beliefs onto others. Many of the world's monsters have touted Christian beliefs as their motive for their atrocities.

Jesus was a good man at his core but ego made him want to be a savior. When you understand that we can only save ourselves, then the middle man is taken out of the equation. We need no go-between to have a relationship with God/Spirit.

God is within each of us.

Yes, I am the light and I am the way....for myself, my inner masculine/feminine, my inner population.

For you, YOU are the light and the way for you and your inner populace. 

If my messages resonate and spark something in one of the 5 people who read me, take that spark and run the information by your own inner guidance to see if it can be used as part of your journey, too.  I've borrowed from a lot of sources to help build a foundation, but I stopped relying solely on others and thinking they held all of my answers. I stopped feeling like I have to save anyone but myself.

The answers to our questions are within each of us.

Be your own light.

Be your own way.

Create when you feel moved to.

Let your own journey be the nectar that ultimately fills your own cup.

Be your own superhero and save yourself.

This is what I have learned up to this point. 

And when you come back to read this post, Oktobre and Noah, remember I wrote this all for you and remember just how much I love you.

Christmas in July

Christmas in July

Some things are worth remembering

Things that make you smile

Things that make you happy sigh

Some feelings are worth diving deep into 

Feelings that set the heart on fire

Feelings that make your soul fly

Some people are worth holding onto

Even if just quietly in the mind

And celebrating like Christmas in July

Written July 24, 2021

https://youtu.be/Z26BvHOD_sg

https://youtu.be/uh4dTLJ9q9o

Opening a Window

 

To the one who comes here day after day after day...

Is that you?

Do you long to reach out to me?

Do you long to talk to me?

Don't be afraid.

I might have closed some doors, but I left a window open.

I'm still here.

I may have stepped away and shut down most of my modes of artistic expression, but I'm still open to listening should you ever feel like talking... explaining... sharing... laughing.

I'm still here noticing every time you stop by to be counted.

Taking that risk of talking to me openly will be like moving from black and white to vibrant color.

What are you waiting for?

Suicide

Photo by Natalia Drepina

Dream Journal Entry: June 21, 2021

I dreamed about being out of class and helping someone at the office. I was thinking I didn't want to go back to class and, since we were nearing the completion of school, I didn't think it would make that much difference anyway. I remember being in a hallway of the school where I had put up with tape various images I liked, but then I considered I would take them down now and put them in my locker for only me.  There was something about pictures of flowers and a tea bag in it's package that I had put up but was taking it all down to put in my locker. 

Photo by Natalia Drepina

At this point, there was some song I started hearing about suicide and it was telling people to do that ..to kill themselves. That is when I had some knowing that the pandemic was meant to isolate us so that people would kill themselves...that paired with the suggestion to do so could have disastrous effects. The powers that be knew this and were implementing the plan as a way to have people voluntarily cull themselves without the governments actually having to do it. I was telling people to stop listening to the song and to not isolate themselves from others regardless of what they tell us to get us to do it.

Photo by Natalia Drepina

There was something about a teacher who I have a lot of venom for. I can't remember why. I am speaking to her and I am saying that I hope she dies a slow and painful death. She has wronged me in some way and I have only animosity towards her. 

There was something about some flowers that appeared to be dying. The leaves were all turning yellow due to over watering. I put a note on the refrigerator telling people not to touch the flowers but then I think Amrik came and took half of the tallest flowers out of the pot. I thought I would work on trying to save the other flowers that were left. At first it seemed like it was in one pot, but as it turned out, it had been 4 plants in a what seemed like a single pot, but actually they were each in separate compartments. I considered the flowers had just gotten too big for what they were started in and needed individual pots of their own which I was planning on trying to do. Someone was going to help me with this and I picked up what seemed like an unused pot but the woman helping me said there was a scorpion inside the pot. It was full of water so I moved to set it down carefully. When I did, three very large dark red lobsters popped out and I was like, "That's not a scorpion!"

Photo by Natalia Drepina

I wrote the below for a friend, but I decided to post it here because I suspect a lot of us have been struggling recently.

__(name redacted)__ I know what this feels like. I understand feeling like you have done all of this work and changing, but for what? I understand feeling like I obviously suck ass at manifesting because I can't seem to manifest myself into a life I actually want to experience. I truly do. I understand thinking death might finally end my suffering. The physical pain has been enormous at times and I wonder if it will ever end and get better.

I know what a soul crushing situation you are in and it is hard to "stay positive" so you can find your way out of it. 

I know I have to go get whatever job I can to start digging myself out of my own situation and I have been dragging my feet on it.

I do think you can trust people, but I know it is difficult to know who to trust when everyone just keeps falling away and you don't have anyone around you who truly relates to you. 

It sucks to have something good only to have it taken away and that job was such a blessing. It is rough and deflating to have that taken away because it is sort of one step forward two steps back but by no choice of your own.

I honestly don't know what the answer is or how to make it better, but I do believe it can and will get better for both of us....we just have to hold on a little longer and try some different combinations to finally get the combination that busts it all open for us.

When I start to spiral down, I try to focus on the most simple things I am grateful for as I am going through my day. Yes, it could be much, much worse. I'm not saying we have to settle even though it feels like, at times, that is what we are doing on repeat. We simply have to be in the moment and think, "I'm really grateful for having a bed to sleep in." "I'm grateful for having this food I am eating." "I'm grateful for having a toilet to use when I need it." Really basic things, but they are things we sometimes take for granted. Seeing all the homeless camps in downtown Portland made me realize how much harder it could get. 86 people died in Portland during the excessive heat wave due to the heat. Most of them were homeless and on the streets. 

What you feel is what you feel and you could be rich or poor and still feel it if you just don't have a sense of purpose or fulfilment, if you don't have a tribe of like-minded people around you to help you feel connected to something bigger than just you and your pets. All the electronic entertainment in the world won't ever give us the sense of connection and community we crave. It's just, how do we get there? How do we ever get to that sense of purpose, fulfillment and connection? I'm not really sure because I'm not there yet. I'm right there with you in the trenches feeling like it might be better to just end my suffering than keep standing in the mud and my own excrement.

The Meeting by Kamila Kansy (aka Laura Makabresku)

I love you and hope you are able to pull yourself out of this darkness quickly and you feel better and happier. I will understand if you want to withdraw and not talk but if you do want to talk, I will be around.