I'm sharing more comments I posted at the now dead UGOSSIP. It was mostly a cesspool, but I tried to do the best I could to insert depth at an otherwise shallow discussion board. It is hard to know if anything I said helped anyone, but I obviously thought my words were worth saving, so I will repost them here.
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If you understood how much fear and anxiety I used to live with, you would understand the distance I have come to release my fears.
When I started driving, my knees would shake so bad I could barely keep my feet on the pedals. When I crossed roads, I would always have to hold my breath. I had to talk myself into leaving my house. I would spend hours trying to convince myself to open the door and leave.
NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder)
GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder)
DID (Dissociative identity disorder)
MD (Maladaptive daydreaming)
Schizophrenic
Autistic
Alzheimer's
And the list can go on and on.
Why would you decide to accept a label and declare yourself incurable?
We do it all the time, but instead we can look at the deeper meanings and heal ourselves one negative pattern at a time.
We have to become sailors and explorers of our inner seas. We have to brave treacherous waters that threaten to devour us whole. But when we do, we can remove each fear, each anxiety, each insecurity, one at a time.
When we come back from our adventures, we are completely changed and different from who we were when we went in.
Dis-ease starts in the energetic body first and later manifests in the physical body. We can look at our diseases as symptoms of what we need to address in our emotional world. Skin cancer on the face could be seen as being caused by something we aren't facing. Weight issues can be seen as all of the emotions we fail to express and hold inside.
Sexual dysfunction can be seen as stemming from shame and guilt surrounding sexuality. Punishing yourself even though most promiscuous people were often sexually abused in childhood. If you never heal the child, you will never heal the adult.
05/12, 20:30:01
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May 4, 2020
In order to be your authentic self, you have to go on a journey to discover who you are NOT and who you were taught to be. If you have no idea who you truly are once you strip away the ego, you have to find out who want to be, who you were meant to be had you not been conditioned by society to go against who you would have become had you been nurtured in a way that doesn't manipulate you.
A bonsai tree is very pleasing to look at but it has been twisted and manipulated to become what the gardener wants and not what is natural through cutting and force.
May 4, 2020
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Re: How could that be done unless alone on an island?
It could be done by fostering and encouraging a child's interests; teaching them how to constructively communicate difficult feelings; by meeting the emotional and physical needs of a child so that they feel safe and secure, etc, we can help guide them to be individuals and okay with differing from their peers. We can help them learn to have and express boundaries early and show them that their voice and opinions matter, that they are an equal part of the tribe and their feelings matter.
So often adults invalidate children's feelings, so they grow up used to that and thinking they are wrong to feel what they feel. They grow up regurgitating what they were taught like being racist, Republican or democrat, being entitled, living with a chip on their shoulder over what was done to ancestors, that they are worthless, thinking the world is against them and they can trust no one etc. They grow up believing that love leads to pain and suffering so they avoid it...the deep kind of healthy love. Toxic love is easy and so many fall into it.
Of course, our jobs as parents, teachers, caregivers and society is to teach the young in order to shape the future of society, but first we have to reshape ourselves.
Yes, the wind on the ocean shores blow the trees shaping their formation. Yes, the storms can test us to see what we are made of. Yes, the kids carving their initials and climbing our limbs will change us but we get to decide if it is for the better or worse. We don't always have control of what happens to us but we get to decide how we will respond.
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May 1, 2020
"The game is, turn a good person bad." Heard just now in my in-between state.
The problem with your game and me being one of your game pieces to try to turn bad is that I am not inherently one or the other. I'm neither all good or all bad. I am both and I accept that I am both.
Imagine all the change for the better all of you could do in the world if you focused the same energy inside and focused on turning your own inner population to balance and harmony. Maybe you wouldn't be so bored that you would try to manipulate the lives of people to try to create monsters. Don't you think your own ugliness is monster enough?
In the beginning God created man in his own image. The people you shape here represent your own internal selves. It isn't just the game to win, as you might imagine. Your creations are a reflection of your own internal ugliness. They are a direct outer manifestation of that. Be careful of what you create. Usually the monsters in the movies have a tendency to rise up against their masters and destroy them.
I am the Alpha and Omega.
Any bets placed on me should be settled here today as I remove myself from your playground once and for all.
May you all make better choices and help to improve the lives of others instead of trying to create more monsters. Those I speak to know who they are.
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April 13, 2020
All ritual, no matter the form, is simply about setting an intention to give it form. Sacrificing children gives it no more power than the one who sacrifices a bottle. It is ALL about creating and solidifying a thought or belief in order to manifest it into reality. Prayer is a form of intention ritual.
Blood sacrifices and perverted rituals are about gaining control to coerce people to be compliant to do all that they ask.
Thoughts create which is how Hollywood programs. By thinking about pandemics, violence, government, materialism, control, sexual perversion, etc. we help collectively create it unconsciously. They want you to fear because you are easier to control when you are afraid.
That is why it is essential for people to wake up and become conscious creators. If we are cognizant of what we are feeding our senses, we can make the unconscious, conscious. We can light darkened corners and remove our fears.
Just because people have misused and abused sacred symbols doesn't make them evil or bad. It simply means that people are always capable of twisting esoteric knowledge for self-serving purposes.
By turning off the entertainment machine and taking back our own thoughts, we literally shift this entire reality one person at a time. We are literally changing the entire reality by changing ourselves. We don't have to take to the streets with pitchforks and anger. We have to look within, become the best version of ourselves and start doing what lights us up instead of simply working to survive.
We already ARE the walking dead, we simply don't realize it until we take the journey back to self and rediscover our inner children, masculine and feminine and remember how to feel.
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April 13, 2020
We are all part of a collective regardless of our participation. We are all part of the primordial soup regardless of our location in the pot.
I tend to think we are acting as neurons and part of our job is to create more communication and connection for a more harmonious reality. That doesn't mean we need to be right on top of each other. We can connect with each other in many ways...like anonymously on a questionable gossip message board for an actor.
Being part of a collective doesn't mean you give up autonomy.
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April 9, 2020
The hanged man in tarot is about taking a pause and trying to gain a new perspective about something. It is the difficult situations that are often the hardest to see the value of. We are always going to face difficulties and struggles along the way throughout our lives. People will sometimes line up to throw shitt at us, but if we learn early on how to pause and gain a new perspective, if we pause and ask ourselves what we are meant to learn from the situation, we can more easily shift our perspective and understand what we have gained from a negative experience. We can shift out of licking our wounds and turning our misfortunes into tools and valuable learning experiences. Even in here in this cess pool playground, much can be learned should we choose to.
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April 9, 2020
@phanie
When I came here, I was attacked in a very personal and invasive way with information that only a hacker would have. I could have let it crush me...and I did for a little while. But as crazy as it sounds, the meanness I experienced transformed me so that I simply don't take myself or others all that seriously. I have written a few good blog posts about what I have learned during my time here.
What I say here, isn't all that serious. I make up a lot of shitt just to get people going so I can give them the opportunity to learn about themselves and grow...lighten up and play. Darkness is not our enemy. It is part of who we are and wants to be recognized by us. Darkness doesn't have to be evil. Darkness can be strength, a warm blanket and a dear friend. Where there is light there are shadows... always.
When I saw your IG I thought, "wow! What a beautiful soul!" You write beautiful words from your heart and share beautiful images. Just know it is okay to also play and be completely different from that part of you as a means of release. We forget how to play and be ridiculous as adults. I know I did. Kids on at play can scream "I hate you" and five minutes later be best friends. They feel, express, and then move on.
04/9, 12:29:34
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March 23, 2020
I refuse to live my life paranoid no matter who is watching. I refuse to hide in fear and be anyone other than who I am. I choose to trust. I don't trust naively. I trust because what we put out into the world is the energy that comes back to us. I choose to love with an open heart because I know my world is shaped by the love I put into it.
I have no control over the actions and behaviors of others. All I have control of is my own perceptions and how I process what I have experienced at the hands of another. I get to decide if I will let it kill me or if it will simply become the fertilizer that helps me grow.
Growth is a choice to learn from all experiences and not just the pleasant ones.
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March 23, 2020
03/23, 21:03:40
Not to make excuses for him, but since I came to this Ugossip rabbit hole, I have discovered multiple versions of me that I didn't know were inside me. They come out and play here. Are they a fabrication or just a facet of who was always there, but only being cut in a certain way allowed them to be visible and shine through.
We can dwell in the pain or we can create something with it that makes us stronger and more interesting people. Call me crazy, that is okay. In my world, "crazy" is just another way of saying colorful and interesting.
Clown has anger, rightfully so, but all of the energy and anger can be turned into something beautiful and poignant when he decides it is time to heal. Reparations would probably help jump start that but not everyone will get that. They simply have to make a choice to heal and start a new path, which is what I did. I had to let my anger go, not for him (my father), but for me.
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March 16, 2020
People who harm others, especially as Keanu has done, do it because they hate themselves and feel out of control of their own lives and try to take back a sense of control through targeting people they assume are weak and pathetic. It gives them a false sense of power.
When we interpret it as we would a dream, Keanu is doing this to his own inner population within him who he sees as weak.
He gets pushed around by some Hollywood suit and he doesn't say anything because he wants a career. So in turn, he gets angry at himself, holds it in until he comes online to attack those weak, gentle parts of himself that failed him when he wanted to stand up for himself but didn't.
This is about his need to find his voice to speak up and take charge of his own life. Facing your fears means you are willing to stand up for what you believe in and risk having your whole life fall apart if that is what it leads to. But if it falls apart and you have to start over, at least it is yours now and you get to be the captain of your own ship finally.
Sometimes when we don't take action for our highest good, the universe aka your own higher self, dismantles your life as you know it so that you can course correct. My best advice is to simply let the old life go and build a new one with a new improved version of self.
He can choose a different way, a different path should he want that.
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03/1, 12:36:19
No one is forcing you to come back here. Sensationalism and drama sells. We all keep coming back for more no matter how vile and disgusting it is. We all complain but never turn the channel or simply turn it off. We complain about the the service and the food but hold our plates out and beg for more. Meanwhile, the staff is spitting in the food they serve us and we kind of like it.
03/1, 13:18:56
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February 23, 2020
Biological impulses to breed are often mistaken for connection, attraction and magnetism. Those immediate impulses wear off once you spend a lot of time with the object of your blind affection. It is why so many people divorce... because they act on the biological impulse declare it "true love" but then it fades.
When you operate from the higher mind and not simply the biological monkey mind, you need more than a temporary biological attraction. Higher mind demands true soul connection and that isn't instantaneous. It just isn't. A foundation needs to be built and connections need to be made on every level. THAT is my idea of true lasting attraction and magnetism.
Mind and heart need to be a team to make both logical and heart centered choices.
02/23, 12:53:38
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These are not my words but should be posted:
It could be time to shut down Ugossip for good
You look back on your life and see that you’ve literally wasted half of it being terrified of living it, using fiction and puppets to avoid having a life of your own.
01/12, 03:04:29
As long as Ugossip is on line
you'll know that he is still a dumb player and a troll.
The first steps to clean up his life is stop trolling people, stop playing dumb cruel games.
If he wants, he can shut down Ugossip, he can stop lying. He can also sell his house and leave LA. But to do that he would have to become wise and strong.
01/23, 03:11:14
This one is evidence:
Lifeline was last seen Dec. 17th, 2018
After a year it deletes itself - it's gone now
I am normally quicker in facing truth.The problem here
is that I never got to hear or find out the truth.
The lifeline stopped responding in the middle of depth out of nowhere and permanently.
Makes me want to question expressed sincerety with logic already forcing the selfmade answer.
Emotional stages: confusion, self doubt, ignoring hoping it's just temporary again, hurt and anger, dull underlaying pain, whatever attitude, forced repression of feeling anything but selfmade happiness in daily wonders, laughing about self being OK and comfortable with oneself..
Then this well expected, actually tiny thing in comparison happens - the lifeline deletes itself. Funny that the coming up icon is a ghost.
*laughing*
But all this pain came rushing back, this hammering question "why" without a trace. There are a million and one resons I can come up with but none to explain hurting someone quite like this for nothing.
There is some poem out there and I forgot from who but it says something a little like this:
Life will always throw stones at youtohurt you no matter how good of a person you are. Don't let it harden you,don't let your heart turn to stone. Let your heart grow softer with each stone piercing into your heart. One day you find that thosestonecan't hurt you anymorebecause they bounce back from the softness of it and happiness will find you.
Someone quoted this to me when I was very young and somehow, somehow the gist of it stuck with me onmy joureny through stones.
Still waiting for the day when it won't hurt anymore but I found somehow that dealing with pain, did get easier.
All I ever wanted to be is weak but I am strong enough to carry a lot more hits with my eyes up at the sky waiting for my Santa to show up telling me that I have been a good girl LOL
Well, and if this is what I do deserve, then so be it cause all in all I am a fortunate one.
12/20, 13:24:42
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January 21, 2020
I'm bored and when I am bored, my mind wanders. Tonight it is wandering back to a movie I saw a few weeks ago. The movie I am thinking of is "Generation Um..."
If you look to see how many stars it gets in various sites, it gets a pretty low rating. I braced myself when I pressed "play".
I actually liked this movie a lot. The main character, John, is painfully awkward. We all know someone like that, don't we? But we get to be voyeurs and observe John's odd and, somewhat, bleak life. Maybe if Charles Dickens was from this time period, Bleak House would read more like Generation Um.
As someone who observes a lot more than I participate, I appreciate this perspective. I love being places where I can just sit and watch people while imagining what their stories might be. The more odd the people are, the more interesting the story I imagine.
Watching John in his environment at home, I could sense a person who had dreams once but let those dreams fade into the back drop as a lingering memory that wafts back every now and then. This isn't how he imagined his life would be. He does what he has to in order to exist. A lot of us just exist...just survive.
It is a video camera he acquires that ignites a spark of passion in him and he uses it to reveal the fucked up stories of his co-workers and friends. I shouldn't have been surprised by the end, but I was....and I loved it as a whole. .
My past is pretty fucked up and I could have ended up like either one of the girls, but we all have choices we can make that can change the course of our lives. I like to imagine the next chapter of John's life was to allow his passion to steer him onto a new path that is brighter, happier and less lonely.
I can totally understand how Generation Um... isn't for everyone. I would put it in the category of an art film that is made to be creative and requires the viewer to question and interpret more than your average film where the music and script basically tells you what you are supposed to think and feel.
All of us are a sum of all of our experiences. That sum is the lens and filter with which we see the world through. That sum influences how we interpret and how we relate or don't relate to something.
Perspective is neither right or wrong...it is simply different.
01/21, 02:41:16
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Image Credit: All Images by Pedro Luis Raota (1934-1986)
