If The Shoe Fits

Illustration by Aina Stenberg-Masolle

I have spent time in a place that shall not be named. I think it is safe to say it resembled my own personal hell of sorts. I think that is what the ringmaster wanted it to be.

Unbeknownst to most of the people who visit this place, it is a playground for a sadistic person who uses it to poke and prod to see if he can push buttons and trigger people. False narrative is interjected just to see what people will do and how they will react. He gets a kick out of pitting people against each other.

Make no mistake, he is the only male amongst a room full of women. It is why I often dream of him being a cat hoarder. He collects pussy and encourages "cat fights". It is entertainment for him.

No one believes he is there doing his dirty deeds to get a kick even though it has been repeated openly that this is happening.

"You're delusional!" they say.

And so like ducks in a baby pool, everyone swims about making easy targets for the hunter. But woe to the one who catches his eye enough to target you to the point of stalking you by hacking your phone, the phones of family and the phones of friends as well so he can learn all of your weaknesses and use it against you in his target practice.

Illustration by Gustave Doré 

I was one of the unlucky ones who peaked his interest. Even now as I type, I am certain he reads every word as I type it. He has had access to all of my private conversations and has used the information there to try to hurt me emotionally. He has taken that private information and turned it into a weapon against me.

At first I cried. I was wounded deeply.

Then I was angry and bitter and I lashed back. I am ever so good at lashing back. Did that sting? Did you flinch a little? Yeah, I know you did. But that person who swings her verbal swords is who I have tried hard not to be anymore.

I was paranoid and confronted "friends" I thought might be him. Of course they thought I had lost my mind...and I had, sort of. But I stopped myself and decided I would not let him turn me into a paranoid and fearful person.

I tried to walk away from the place that shall not be named so many times. It felt as if there was a magnetic pull and I would get sucked right back into interacting with all the madness.

It was insanity. I tried to not lose the me I had worked hard to be, but of course, spirituality in a muggle world is not welcomed or understood. I was a tribe of one trying to fend off arrows from the many.

The ringmaster just encouraged this too. He would come in with personal information and, once again, try to wound me. It was like a giant magnifying glass had been aimed at me and was burning me alive. That IS what they do to witches, after all. People fear and hate what they cannot understand and so they seek to destroy it.

NOËL Francisque (publisher), Mary Evans Picture Library

Yes, Donaka, you sought to destroy me for sport and they sought to destroy due to fear.

The last time it occurred, I learned something about myself. I had actually grown in this hostile environment meant to destroy me. I grew despite all the efforts to snuff my light out and send me into a downward spiral.

As Donaka hurled his personal insults laced with the information that only he would know because of his stalking, I stood unmoved and unaffected.

I asked myself, "Have I grown numb?" The answer was, no, I hadn't grown numb.

At times I was very tempted to respond to the verbal attacks, but then I asked myself, "Is it true what they are saying?"

I answered myself, "No, it isn't true."

"Then why would you need to respond and defend yourself? You have nothing to prove to them. If it isn't true, it doesn't matter what they think or say." I told myself.

And so I withdrew myself from the conflict by not becoming defensive.

What I learned in those moments is when we feel a need to defend ourselves, there is a part of ourselves who believes what they are saying is true. When we KNOW it isn't true and are at peace within ourselves, no one can say something mean and hurtful that will rattle our chains and cause us to lose our equilibrium.

One of the things that Donaka hurled at me was that I am broke. I was just thinking, "Duh! That isn't a secret. I'm not ashamed of being poor." They called me fat and old. Um, yeah, so what? I'm fat and old. As if it matters. I don't need to be young again. I have had that experience already. I am looking for new experiences. I have fat on my body. So what? Again, I have been thin, young and beautiful. Having varied experiences allows me to understand more perspectives. It allows me to expand my empathy.

So the next time someone tries to bring you to your knees with verbal abuse, ask yourself, "Does the shoe fit?"

If the shoe doesn't fit, don't try to shove your foot in and make it fit by becoming defensive about what you are being accused of. Be okay with being barefoot and simply walking away from abusive people and being comfortable and confident in who you are as a person.

People who don't have a foundation of self love will not fare as well as I did in Donaka's spider web. I was able to finally free myself.

As Willie Nelson says, "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

There are people in that place who have been going back for many years. I wasted two months, but it wasn't really a waste because I learned something valuable.

Now I graduate from the school that shall not be named.

May we all rise above those who would try to harm us and grow despite oppression and abuse.

You lose, Donaka.

Henri Montassier 1916 Qui va à la Chasse... perd sa Place (Who goes hunting ... loses his place), Lovers, Pierrot, Harlequin via gallicabnf