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| Photo by William Helburn, 1957 |
So many dreams last night. I kept dreaming of being somewhere that I was being held against my will. I kept trying to escape this place. I would make it out of the place, wake up out of the dream and then go back to sleep and go through it all over again in different ways. At least three different times I was being held against my will. It feels prison-like and I would make my escape to the outside away from it. Sometimes "enforcement" would see me but I am being helped and I would always find my way out and away from this place.
I considered, when I woke at one point, that maybe this was showing me someone who is a prisoner in their own mind escaping the prison inside their mind.
Later, I dreamed again about the apartment I was moving into where George is the landlord and he had been holding the space for me.
In this set of dreams, I actually moved into the space. Again, the apartment is at the top of building and is the best space in the building. This time all of my things have been moved in but apparently this other person I have to share the space with has unpacked all of my stuff for me which I find a little annoying. I identify her as my old friend, Jenny Marshall, who I haven't actually spent time with since we were both in our 20s. She has already placed all the furniture for me. I didn't love the placement and noticed some antique wood desk type thing in the front window. On closer inspection, it looked like it was a sewing station but could double as a writing desk.
I told Jenny I didn't like that it was blocking the best window and wondered if we could maybe move it. Jenny got really upset about it and I conceded that it was fine where it was. I hadn't realized she was going to be here too and it left us both with not a lot of space. I had with me Inara and my dog so my things took up a significant amount of space. Most of the stuff in the space belonged to me. I noticed my king sized bed had been brought in and jenny had a twin sized bed on the opposite side. I was curious how they were able to get my large bed and heavy furniture inside. I asked if they had to bring it through other people's apartments and they said they had.
There was a communal living area for everyone who lived there. Some of my stuff had been brought into the space, one item being a very large green couch. Some of my clean laundry was being folded and sorted there. Some people were complaining about the crowding and things changing. I apologized but stated it was always planned that I would be moving back to this place and explained that I had lived there in the same space a long time ago before any of them. They would have to adjust and get used to it.
I decided to go out and explore. The street the building was on was really quiet but it wasn't far from the college campus. Apparently there was something going on at the campus...a farmers market and music at the center. I chatted with some of the people of the community and then went back to my apartment. I was feeling really happy to be back here. It had been a very long time since I had been home and I wondered why I had stayed away so long because I really liked it here now.
I met some of the residents outside my apartment building. One of them I recognize from my past and mention that we met a long time ago and I told them I met them through Shannon, my ex BFF. Once again, I mentioned that I had lived in the same location a long time ago but I have come back to stay. I noticed some foot and handprints in the concrete on the sidewalk in front of the building.
Inside in the communal space, I talked to more of the residents. One woman had a baby and I offered to help her with the baby sometimes if she needed. I told her I know what it is like to need help sometimes. She asked about payment and I told her the only payment I wanted was her to be willing to help me with Inara when I needed it.
Some cat was scratching to get in and I assumed it belonged to someone who lived there so automatically went to the door to let it in and the cat immediately attacked me. I think it was an orange fat cat and it wouldn't stop trying to bite me. When I discovered it didn't even belong to anyone there, I moved to put it back outside and asked if someone could help me with it.
I went back up stairs to my apartment and noticed that there were 4 styrofoam squares attached to a wall. They were the same as the imprints out on the sidewalk and considered they were used to make the prints in the concrete. One was a snow shovel print, one was a woman's shoe print, one was a man's shoe print and one was a hand print. My large heavy dresser had been nailed to the wall next to them. It was elevated and the feet were not on the floor. I asked Jenny about it and why she did it that way. She got defensive about it.
I think there were some people who came into the space we had been talking to earlier down stairs. We quickly developed a friendly relationship and Jenny was getting upset that everyone seemed to love me. She made some remark about feeling very dim and invisible next to me. I saw myself as being illuminated with light all around me and people being drawn to me because they could sense it. Jenny was very jealous of it, said something negative about it and then went away by herself. I felt mildly annoyed with having to be faced with this kind of situation again. I remembered I had experienced something similar with friends in the past.
I remember talking to someone about how I was going to go out the next day to find a job but I didn't have concern that I would have any trouble finding a job.
What took place with my new/old apartment was actually two or three dreams together. I would wake up and go back to sleep into the same dream.
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| Art by Robert Jahns |
"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It's always our self we find in the sea."
e.e. cummings
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