Strength, Balance and Growith

XI Justice from the Haindl Tarot

It was as though a flock of birds flew into one of my engines and there was a catastrophic failure. The plane I was in started to go down in a tail spin, hurtling towards the earth. The fall felt like it would be fatal. My chest was tight with feeling unable to breathe and I struggled to fight back the sorrow that stood beside me, threatening to swallow me whole. I didn't want to let it overtake me...not again. I needed to be able to think clearly so I could get out of this current downward spiral. But the tears escaped and the sorrow washed over me like a sneaker wave drowning me on the beach where I sat.

I thought, "This is it. This is the end of me," and my tears poured out of me.

I was ready to shut down, step away and lock away my fragile heart once again so it could no longer be wounded. I knew this was the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing on my spiritual journey. I knew this was likely a spiritual test, an opportunity to face my fears and make different choices.

Art by Thor Lin deneg

"Stay open, Alice," I told myself in my anguish.

I tried to process why I was reacting this way? Is it the sadness of maybe being wrong about everything and having to start all over again? Is it the frustration of history repeating itself? Or maybe it is my subconscious forcing me to admit, truly admit, that maybe I feel more for him than I wanted to acknowledge to myself.

I was ready to unsheathe my swords, and order my inner army to eliminate the threat of him.

"Off with his head!!"

I told him in my head while in the height of my anguish, "It's not that I don't love you. It's that I love you so much I can't be expected to comfortably hang around and watch you be with her."

I started to shut doors by means of social media blocking. I started to lay bricks to rebuild my walls.

Art by Thor Lindeneg

But something mysterious happened.

I fell into a rabbit hole with nothing but funny pet videos. I started laughing and laughing and suddenly forgot my sorrows. I realized I felt oddly calm, like everything was going to be okay. I found myself wanting to share the funniest of the funny videos and memes with him. I knew in those moments that I was stronger than I had ever imagined and that I could actually still be his friend regardless of the path he chose.

So I unlocked and opened the doors, pulled back the curtains to let the sunshine back in.

Art by Thor Lindeneg

It is a relief to know that my journey has given me the tools to face the waves and learn to ride them like a skilled surfer. I may get a little water up my nose and salt water in my eyes, but I seem to be able to get up on my board faster now and find my balance once again. Before, I would spend days and weeks in my sorrow, like a surfer being dragged under by a current that is likely to kill them. This time my sorrow gripped me for only about a day. I have been surprised by my own strength, determination and perseverance to love and stay open no matter the obstacles I face along the way.

History won't repeat itself for me because I am making different choices and trying to keep my swords sheathed. My swords are more like a handy dandy sonic screwdriver or a James Bond-like pen that can turn into a deadly weapon. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but for me, my pen becomes my swords, my Wolverine claws that come out when a situation arises that threatens my safety and sense of security.

Art by Gus Fink

I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay and so it is easier for me now to come to a place of internal peace and harmony and say to him, "I love you completely without condition. I won't abandon you no matter what you choose. If you need me, I promise to always be here for you, open and receptive. I desire you in my life and wish you would have chosen me as your life partner, but I will be okay... even if you choose to shut the door on me for her."

 XI Justice from The Star Tarot by Cathy McClelland