October 31, 1993

October 31, 1993.  My mom woke me at around 5 am central time. She was driving to work and heard the news on the radio about River dying. She turned around and came back to the house to tell me. I didn't believe her at first. I told her to stop saying that. It couldn't be true. When I saw the news, I burst into tears. I mourned the loss of River as though I had known him.

I Am Not This Body

Art by Christian Schloe

I Am Not This Body

Red lips, long flowing hair

They see a pretty face

But not the soul I bare

I am not this body

Dirty clothes, missing teeth

They pretend I don't exist

They can't see the soul beneath

I am not this body

Dried up limbs, wrinkled skin

Old and often forgotten

Timeless is the soul within

I am not this body

Overweight and out of breath

Lifestyle assumptions are made

They can't see the beauty and soul depth

I am not this body

This flesh, the blood and bones

A skin suit we put on like clothes

We step inside and gasp and groan

I am not this body

How could we forget what is true

We are light, color and sound

These roles we play are not me or you

I am not this body

Written October 12, 2014

By Oktobre Taylor

Indentity Crisis

Art by Carlos Quevedo

I am having an identity crisis.

Let's not mistake it with a "mid-life crisis".

As we learn and expand our minds, our guides and higher selves give us more pieces to our personal puzzle. They reveal more to us because they think we can absorb it and handle it now. This is what happened for me recently.

Reading Dolores Cannon opened my mind to the possibilities. I already started to suspect that I was a walk- in, but I didn't have confirmation until recently. Recently I had a dream that revealed some truths to me. Here is part of that dream:

October 7, 2014 I keep trying to retain this dream even though I want to keep sleeping. Lol I need to write it down so I can remember as much as I can. There was a house. Apparently my mom was living there it seemed like it was a big house. There were lots of rooms. There was a man that came inside and told me that the fresh flowers that are supposed to be in the window weren't and it was part of the lease agreement...that fresh flowers would always be kept in a certain window in memory of the woman who used to own the house but obviously had died. I told the guy that I knew nothing about what my mom had agreed to in the lease and it was quite possible she didn't know everything she had agreed to either. I told him I would talk to my mom and get the lease and go over it so I knew what she had agreed to. He was tall, with long hair and light brown skin. He looked Native. He was younger looking. But suddenly he was gone and there was an older Mexican looking guy in his place and I asked him if he was the guy that had just been there and he said no, that it was someone else. I talked to mom about the agreement and she seemed to know about the flowers but she had just forgotten to do it and I told her that she needed to have fresh flowers there if she was going to stay there. It seems like she had a conversation with someone that was head of the estate and someone else was going to come in regularly and make sure there were always fresh flowers there. I think I wandered around the house a bit. I seem to remember there were a back set of stairs that had lots of child's things on the stairs and basically made the stairs unusable. I can't remember if I spent time up stairs or not. It seems like I might have.

Interpretations: The issue with the children's things on the stairs spoke loudly to me of blockages stemming from childhood. I don't really know yet which situation has created the blockage. Perhaps the most traumatic one is from when my mother had a nervous breakdown in front of my school as it was letting out. She became catatonic...couldn't speak...couldn't move anything from her neck down. The doctors told us then if that ever happened again, she might not be able to come out of it. It was a fear I lived with on a daily basis. I love my mom, but she was weak and too sensitive. The smallest thing could set her off crying. My siblings and I knew we had to toughen up to be her strength, to protect her in any way we could. That whole year was fraught with one trauma after another. My mom left my dad for the first time. I think it was 1980. I was about 11, almost 12. We moved a number of times and was homeless for a little while because my father burned the place down we had been living in. I changed schools something like 6 times. My dad shot our dogs in the head out of spite and let me know he shot Ginger in the head once because she was his favorite and Misty (the puppy) in the head 4 times...a bullet for each of his children. He had planned to kill us all and then himself that year. He told me this. It didn't happen because we declined his invitation to Christmas dinner. He was going to ask us to come back to him and if we didn't, he was going to kill us all and then himself. I developed such rage and hate that year. I know I must have changed enormously. I was once a very loving and sensitive child and I changed to adapt and survive my environment. A question I have been asking myself is how do I unfreeze my heart? How do I release the block when I feel it has served me well? So what if people think me cold and unfeeling. I don't crumble under adversity like I might have should I have stayed the sensitive and loving being that I once was as a child.

The issue of the flowers confused me at first. A house in a dream normally represents the person...their mind. Finally I was being given an acknowledgment that I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL INHABITANT. I mean, I considered it as a possibility, but here it was being shown to me that, yes, you are not the original driver of this car. I know from what I have read in Dolores Cannon books that often intuitives and psychics will pick up on the past lives of the original inhabitant. So the lives that are accessed aren't always even that of the current driver. I started researching the topic of walk-ins because my guides showed me that there are 4 walk-ins I need to seek out and will be working with. They are part of my team and most likely, soul family. Back then I never suspected that I, myself, could be a walk-in as well. 

After I understood the meaning of the flowers in my dream, the guides confirmed that what I was thinking is true. They tell me it is really good I am questioning my identity. That is easy for them to say. They aren't the ones sitting here questioning their whole existence and what they thought was their life. From all that I have learned about walk-ins, it is entirely possible to be a walk-in and NEVER know it. In fact there are millions of us who ARE walk-ins. The whole idea that there has to be an illness or a trauma for a walk-in to happen is a myth. Those are just the cases we learn about because of the NDE that often happens as well. I would bet you that a vast majority of walk-ins have no idea that they are NOT the original driver of the human vehicle. The human hard drive (aka brain) stores all memories so, when the new driver steps in, they have access to the data and memories. Amnesia takes place and they believe fully that they have always been the driver of that vehicle. It is rare that a walk-in actually is conscious of being a walk-in but it does happen occasionally. 

My revelation has made several questions pop up like when did I walk into this body? Who was the being before me? Was she more connected to the people she was born to than I am? I love my mother deeply but I have a strong disconnect with the rest of my family and now it makes more sense as to the reason why. I have always had a sense of not fitting in and not being like everyone else. The truth is, being in a human vehicle feels foreign to me and I don't enjoy it very much. It isn't my natural state and a part of me knows this on a deep soul level. I fully believe this to be my first human Earth life. I have been here before long ago but it wasn't in human form. It was at the time of Atlantis and the body I was in then was not of this world.

I have a sense of frustration attached to this new revelation. If we have no real sense of knowing when the switch took place, then who the hell is "I" and "me"? If it is really just part of a computer-like program that gives me a sense of who I am, then really none of us know who we actually are other than the role we agree to fill in this giant play we are performing in what we call "Life". How is it that any of this is really all that important anyway? These are things I am questioning and wondering now. I have memories of when I was a 1-year-old staring out a window and chewing on a blue perm rod curler. But whose memory is that actually? Was I in the body then? The switch could have been recent for all I know. For all I know ALL of the memories I think are mine were experienced by the original. That is what is such a mind-fuck about this all. I just don't know.

I am laughing to myself because I am rattling on like this is a normal conversation to have, but I totally get how it will be just too much for some to understand or grasp. I wouldn't have been able to grasp it early on in my journey. I would have rejected it initially and then come back to it when my mind expanded more.

Last Earth Life

November 8, 2013 I just had a wild dream. I think it was more than a dream. I was having a normal dream and then suddenly I was trapped in an area that was all white walls. But then there was a door slightly ajar and I went through it. There were stairs...white stairs leading down and I was confused and asking what this place was. No one was there but me and then there was this bird that flew in. It was two tone like some black and white corvids only it was a light grey and white. I held out my hand and it landed on my finger. I said hello to the bird and asked what it wanted. And a voice started talking to me. It had almost a new York accent. Lol but he told me things...not everything i can remember. But the one thing i do remember was he told me i was doing well in this life time and i wouldn't have to come back for anymore. I was pleased to hear this and asked him who he was. He simply said he was my superior. And then he sent me on my way back into a dream where i was in a house with what was supposed to be my husband, i think, but he didn't look like him. My daughter came out and we interacted and then this blonde boy came out and i was like who is that? And my husband was like, "are you kidding me? He is my son from a different relationship." i was like, no, I don't know this kid. And he was wanting to know what was wrong with me. It was like i had been plopped somewhere that kind of looked like my reality but was somewhere else completely. It was wild. I wish i could remember everything that the bird said. He said a lot. I do remember there being a bit where the landlord was there tearing up the place and renovating everything while we lived there. Also there was something about a puzzle. I put a puzzle together but there were all these other pieces like there had been a second puzzle in the box. I put the pieces of the second puzzle back in the box but bits of earth and moss went in with the pieces. I carefully took out the chunks of moss and moist soil and put it around the base of a mailbox (communication?). There were worms mixed in the soil and I noticed a single caterpillar. None of it was gross and wasn't trying to discard it, but was trying to separate it carefully so that I didn't lose any of the pieces of the second puzzle. I woke up before I had a chance to put together the second puzzle. There was a micro cd played but i can't remember what the music was.

A Short Divergence From Spirituality....The Oddity of Fandom

So my feathers are a little ruffled for a number of reasons in regard to FANDOM.

I posted some of my angst as a status update on Facebook:

Who do celebrities go to if they want an honest answer? So many "fans" are such fucking yes men/women. I expect for some of these celebrities, their yes-men fans feed their overgrown egos. Some of them like hearing the same bullshit over and over. Perhaps the celebrities who actually appreciate someone being real and not a yes man/woman will also tend to live an authentic life themselves. 

There is a difference between trying to see the positive versus wearing blinders to the reality. A person CAN see the reality of a shitty situation or a shitty person and see how positive can come from it, but a person who wears blinders never wants to see the truth that is staring them in the face.

The first part is about celebrity fans in general. I follow a few on Instagram and on Facebook. The celeb posts a picture and the response from fans is pretty predictable:

I love it!

I love you! Come play blah blah blah!

Looking great!

Please follow me! 

*emoticon, emoticon, another pointless emoticon*

I love exactly what you love (not really but I am going to say that because I am going to say what I think you want to hear).
 
Dear Sum 41 fans on Instagram, this observation isn't just about Deryck and Sum 41 fans. Even some of the people I talk to without bodies (aka spirits) have a fan base that wear blinders and only see what they want to see and not the truth. When you look at someone without objectivity, you do yourself a disservice by not thinking for yourself.

How many times have I heard within the Channeling Erik community "Well Erik says...blah blah blah" as though his word is gospel. I know this will be shocking for some of you, but even Jamie has filters, Even "Erik" gets it way off sometimes. Even Elisa is only sharing her VERSION of the truth. There is a saying...three sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth. We ALL have our own versions of the truth according to our personal perspectives. We ALL have filters. Every medium, every channel, every psychic has some sort of filters. Instead of believing everything and nodding like a bobble head, use some discernment. Don't blindly follow ANYONE. Stop and ask yourself how something feels.  Does it resonate? Do you actually give a shit about that sport that some celebrity is doing recreationally in a photo outside of that celebrity's participation? Don't compromise and pretend to be anything you are not. If who you authentically are is to always follow and like everything another person likes, I guess you are kind of fucked, but I have faith that the majority of people out there have the ability to be REAL and demonstrate that they are as unique as a snowflake.
 
I like Sum 41 music but wouldn't call myself a "fan". I love Dan Reed as a friend and think he is a talented musician, but I don't always agree with his views and I don't love every album he has put out. There is always a large percentage of fans who do nothing but say what everyone else is saying. They agree with everything the "celebrity" is saying. Why? What do you suppose the number one thing is a musician hears when they meet a fan? "Dude, I love your work!" What if, instead of saying the same thing that a million other people have said, we get creative and start having REAL dialogue and not just what we think the celebrity would like hearing? 

Fan, fan, me. lol

Maybe I am an oddity myself because I can't look at celebrities as being anything other than a soul wearing a skin suit just like you or me. When the body craps out and we exit the fleshy vehicle, WE ARE ALL THE SAME...light beings/energy. And if we take it one step further, we are all part of the ONE and therefore EVERYONE is another aspect of you.

Edited to add: The discussion on this topic is continuing on my Facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/oktobre/posts/10152696167630428
The post is public, so anyone should be able to read it.

These are some of my comments on the Facebook discussion:
All I am saying is that if they are actually another aspect of me, I would like to see fandom become more intelligent. Lol I am begging my other aspects of myself to please don't be a mindless bobble head sheep.

With being more mindful and intelligent in your fandom, people will be more respectful of the personal space of a celebrity. Less time can be spent on useless chatter and spent on actually saying something real. If you look at celebrity as just another job....one living life in a Fishbowl with everyone watching you...then maybe we can step back and not spend so much time gazing at the fishbowl.
I don't think myself above the fans or the stars. I think myself an equal. I have been that screaming 14 year old fan for Duran Duran. Shit man, I named my dog "Rio" so that when people asked me what her name was I could sing, "Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand...." I have BEEN that person who altered who I am to try to make myself fit and be more like the star or more like the herd. I started smoking to be more like my favorite band. I have been a "super fan". I am not talking from a place of superiority. I am speaking from a place of FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE.

I have hung out with countless bands....some known and some unknown. I never met Duran Duran so couldn't tell you how I might have reacted had I met them back in the height of my love for them. I might have fainted and been at a loss for words. I know well what they go through with fans and the demand of their time. Although, without the "fans" they have no job. So if you don't spend a little time paying attention to the fans, chances are pretty good you will wind up being someone who used to have a following but you can't get anyone to come to your shows anymore. The fans are the ones who can help you keep doing what you love but there needs to be BALANCE on both sides.

I have heard those in the music industry whinge about there just not being the kind of money there used to be for artists to create music. They lament that there just isn't the funding that there used to be. I would challenge them and suggest it is a GOOD thing there isn't the money or means to frivolously piss away millions either on excesses for addiction or ridiculous material things. Now they really have to focus on using the money wisely in making the best product that they can with what they do have available to them. So the fuck what that the execs and stars can't piss away millions on parties and sports cars or whatever. We have become a culture of wastefulness and excess and that needs to stop in all areas of life.

When I started learning about food, I started caring about where is came from. At least in the Pacific Northwest, we actually care about buying LOCAL and supporting local farmers. "Is it local?" is a question I have found myself asking which is pretty funny if you have ever watched Portlandia. I really do think that music and other forms of performing arts could end up being something that is kept alive by keeping it LOCAL. Why not support the amazing musicians you have right there within your tribe? Why does there ever need to be some mega-famous band that is internationally known? If we start really caring about the art that you have right there in your own back yard, you might discover some amazing talent. Who the fuck cares that they will probably never be a millionaire? If they are supported well enough so they don't have to also have a shitty day job, I think that is a great thing!

I really do think that the way Dan Reed is doing things is the future of music. Reaching out and asking people to help fund projects through various online means is a great way to get things up and running. Dan has seen both sides of the coin...so to speak. Dan Reed Network experienced some pretty nice success but have also been humbled and had to start over again. Michael Schaerer and Richard Fortus have also experienced the fickleness of the music industry. Michael has kept it local and still does what he loves. Richard has gone on to perform with many big names. I think he might still be the guitarist for Guns'N"Roses, but the only project of his that shows in my feed right now is The Dead Daisies.

My perspective is that of the consumer. I really had no idea this response would get so long. hahahaha

The age of digital music has definitely changed the playing field for sure. You can either adapt and adjust and create something new or your can become obsolete, a fossil or a novelty of days gone by. I have confidence that with all the changes will emerge something new. I have confidence in our ability to adapt and adjust. Just because not everyone will like it doesn't mean it isn't a good thing. I only just threw away my whole cassette collection. I still like my physical CDs and Amrik laughs at me for that....yet he likes to buy CDs at shows and have them signed. lol The way we consume music is changing and, yes, it will make it harder for anyone to become bloated, giant and internationally huge. I don't see that as a bad thing. Just wait until star people (aka aliens) hit the scene. THAT will shake shit up in a way we have never dreamed. How cool will it be to say you are going to see this musical artist from the Pleiades? You think I am kidding, but I am not. lol