Limber Timber

Last night I listened to a video I made where I talked about a dream I had. As i listened, I thought, "I miss her."

I miss the one who used to talk about her dreams, wrote about all the things she was contemplating and wrote poetry about what she was feeling. I miss her dearly but I don't know how to bring her back.

The video was made September 9, 2022 before I went back to work. It feels like the other one exited when I had to go back to doing something for money instead of doing what feels good. There are advantages to having money for paying for the things we need, but when it's doing something that was never something I dreamed about, it's hard to get excited about it. It's just a task I do to make ends meet. It doesn't even pay enough for me to have the independence I would love to have.

Last night I dreamed about trying to nurse my daughter, but my breasts had no milk. In fact, they seemed to have become quite flat. I considered that I would have to work to try to bring the milk back.

I think the symbolism of this dream is talking about wanting to feed my inner child, but having nothing left inside. What I had to offer previously (writing, poetry, etc.) has dried up. I want to bring it back so I can feed myself, but it will take time and work towards that goal.

I don't know if I can bring it back. I want to, but it feels like part of me has died. Instead of healing on this spiritual journey, I feel deeply harmed by the last few years. 

Dream about River

Dream Journal Entry: December 16, 2023 

I dreamed about being back in highschool. I think I recall having attended a few classes at the beginning. It feels like I have missed some school and now have forgotten my locker number and the combination to the lock. I considered that I would have to go to the office to get the information again. 

It feels like I have some evening thing to attend at the school but I had taken a nap and overslept. I woke at 5:15pm and eventually remembered that it started at 5pm and I needed to already be there. I considered not going at all because, really, I didn't need to attend because I had already done it previously. It feels like I'm not there for me because at one point, I'm back at the school and I see River. It seems I have been waiting for him to talk to me. He is supposed to talk to me because I'm back in school to help him. I debated whether or not to say anything and then I finally opt to say something.

"Are you ever going to talk to me? If you don't talk to me, you are just going to die again like before. It's just going to happen again. I've been waiting for you to talk to me and you haven't. We're running out of time because you are about to die. It may already be too late." I said to him.

He looked at me and said, "Yes, I was planning to talk to you soon." And then I see him start to do a dance and I see words like on a TikTok video above him with an arrow that point to his shoes that said, "This is new". The dance turns into a tap dance of sorts and I noticed his shoes had a little bit higher heels. 

I walked away from him thinking that it might already be too late and I didn't need to go back to school. I didn't plan to go back. I had done my best to help, but I wasn't sure it was going to turn out as I had hoped.

I Wonder

I wonder to myself, "What's the point of any of it?"

"It's not about the destination but the journey," they say.

But is it really?

When the journey is so fucked up that parts of you that you love have fled, is the journey really so worthwhile? Right now, it doesn't feel like it.

If we create our own reality and my reality still isn't anywhere near what I would like for it to be, is it just because I suck ass at creating my own reality? 

I don't know.

Eleven years on the "spiritual journey" and I'm still basically in the same life I wanted to free myself from. I see no ending in sight or dramatic changes on the horizon. 

I feel like a slave and I wonder if I will ever be free.