Showing Up

Here's the thing, Kevin, if you want to be seen as a "man" and not a "boy", you have to behave as a man would. A well developed and emotionally mature man wouldn't just disappear in mid conversation. A well developed and emotionally mature man would consider how he would feel in the situation if roles were reversed and act accordingly to how he would want to be treated

A well developed and emotionally mature man wouldn't just disappear and deactivate their account without explanation. 

I'm not a motherfucking yo-yo.

You keep treating me like a yo-yo, therefore I have no other option but to clip the string.

Do I love you? Yes, I do, but love isn't enough if action and respect isn't being reciprocated.

I love myself enough to walk away because you won't consistently show up for me and give me the same respect you would want from a partner.

I'm capable of loving you from a distance but alone and single since the situation seems to call for it. Unconditional love doesn't mean we have to stay and get treated "less than".

For the most part, no one comes here and this is for my own catharsis. But maybe you will wonder where I went to and stumble upon this blog post someday.

I have meant everything I have ever said to you. I have never lied, but Inara pointed out an important red flag. She wondered how you could have a good relationship with someone who lied as the foundation of the relationship, and that's a really good question. How can I trust you when you lied at the very beginning. Is anything you said to me even true? How am I to know?

If there isn't open, honest, and consistent communication in a relationship, that relationship will never last.

If there isn't respect and consideration for the other person's feelings, then it becomes a really toxic relationship very fast. That's not what I want.

If you won't show up for me and be consistent, fuck the hell right off. I deserve more than a pretty dick pic.

I stand alone.

Update

Attribution Unknown 

On April 18, I put out a call on FB saying that I needed a job and needed help getting there since it had been 14 years since I had a proper job and had to go through the application and interview process. While that post didn't actually result in the assistance I had hoped for, it did send a signal to the Universe of what I was seeking.

I applied a couple different places and scored an interview at Trader Joe's for a new store that was going to open up near me. It wasn't long before I got a rejection call from Trader Joe's after my interview. I tried to be optimistic, but I was secretly disheartened and worried that my lack of official employment for the last 14 years would be a difficult obstacle to overcome.

I told my daughter while we took our daily walk in the neighborhood, "I really wish there was a nearby mom and pop sort of place who do things the old fashioned way and would be willing to give me a chance." Shortly after, we happened to have gone to Plaid Pantry and walked by Primo Espresso. It was closed as it was after 2 pm, but I noticed a sign saying they were looking for baristas and bakers. Inara had mentioned previously she thought I should work at Primo and I remember saying I thought that it was primarily family run and I didn't think they hired many people outside of family, but when I saw the sign, I got excited about the possibility of having a job only 2 blocks from where I live.

I submitted my application online that evening. 

Photo by Rohit Rattan

Now, I had never been to Primo but my daughter has on multiple occasions. I had always imagined it was sort of a sleepy cafe where customers trickled in and maybe one or two people behind the counter making drinks. Imagine my surprise when I came in the next day on a weekend to check it out and it was VERY busy and there were probably 3-4 people behind the counter. I looked for Samantha, who the Primo website said I should ask for to introduce myself to, but I didn't see anyone out front that resembled her. I decided it was too busy to bother asking and I decided I could come back another day to ask for her.

It wasn't long before I received an email asking me to come in for an interview. It was probably the shortest interview of my entire life and I was hired within that brief meeting. I was told they wanted to hire me to be a baker, which I was fine with, but I had all kinds of fears and doubts about whether or not I could do the job. I've baked at home, but I have never professionally baked. Add to that, I have to be to work by 4 am, which was a drastic shift in my usual sleep routine where I was going to bed at 3 and 4 am, not going to work then.

Eventually, Sami and Ian revealed how they had been hoping and wishing someone older would apply who they could trust to help with the baking duties. They said they couldn't believe it when it finally happened. As it turned out, they were the exact "mom and pop" type business I had wished out loud for, therefore, we were a match and the universe brought us together.

Serendipity.

Attribution Unknown 

I've been training for the last three weeks and today is Thanksgiving. I went to bed last night at about 7pm and automatically woke up at 4am. I decided to bake banana bread while everyone else slept. As I put the ingredients together, I reflected on my recent training experience at my new job. I thought about the mistakes I had made: I left the chocolate chips out of the pumpkin chocolate chip bread....shit!....I underbaked a scone....I overbaked the mini scones....fuck!...I forgot to set the timer...omfg! But with each blunder, I was given understanding, kindness and positive reinforcement from Sami and her mother-in-law, Mary. I was given encouragement and told it was okay, that I would get the hang of it. I was told I could use these mistakes as an opportunity to learn, which I absolutely did. I took apart the scone that flattened in the middle to physically see where it wasn't done. The hockey puck mini scones were glazed and set out for any brave employee willing to sink their teeth into them. It made me think of the phrase, "Eat your mistakes".

In my reflections, I just felt an enormous amount of gratitude for my new employers and the new family I have found myself a part of. I am so incredibly thankful for the kindness and patience they have shown me. I am so thankful for the gentle guidance that has helped to build my confidence so that I can blossom rather than tear it down and whither.

We have probably all experienced situations where we felt torn down and our self confidence shaken. Sometimes, some of us were torn apart in childhood by "well meaning" parents whose only form of guidance was harsh criticisms.

I remember getting some small form of positive feedback from Sami the first time and thought to myself, "I wonder if she realizes how rare and amazing she is for being this way?" In those moments I felt my inner child, who was taught for so long that she wasn't good enough, start to heal. All of those years where I learned to fear trying to do anything new because I might not be good enough started to melt away.

Thank you, to my wonderful new family at Primo Espresso! Thank you for the opportunity, thank you for believing in me and thank you for simply shining your light by being exactly who you are openly. 🙏💜

Dream: Daisy Comes Back

Dream Journal Entry: November 13, 2022

I dreamed that our cat, Daisy, came home to us...that she hadn't actually died at all. In real life she had cancer and just quietly disappeared and never came back. We assumed she went off to die by herself.

In the dream she lost her tail, her fur was somehow longer and reddish at the front than it had before. I guessed that this had something to do with where she had been all this time. She had a floppy severed pig's ear stuck to the back of her and she was chubbier than she had been before. I wondered if it was bloat from her cancer. Her skin was bloody through her fur and I considered that we would have to have her euthanized because she seemed like she was suffering. But for those moments, I took the ear from her fur and tossed it aside and pet her lovingly even though it caused my hands to be covered in blood. I guessed that she ended up at a pig processing plant and that the people there fed her.

I also remember a young woman coming to our door. I didn't answer the door and wanted to ignore her, but she saw us laying on a bed through an open window. I ended up talking to her through the window. She asked if a young guy had been by to ask us questions. I told her he had but had trouble remembering what he had asked us. I guessed it was about whether or not we had voted or not. I considered if he had asked about things I was interested in, then I would have been able to remember. I remember looking up at a ceiling fan and seeing a word written on it that I ended up saying instead of what I meant to say. 

My mom was there and randomly dragged the young woman into the house with us. I was like, "Mom, what are you doing? You can't keep her here." Mom was going to make her leave back through the window but I said I thought that was silly, that we could just open the door for her and let her go.

In the in-between I asked about Kevin and what was going on and all they showed me was a scarecrow.

Interpretation:

A pig's ear being attached to Daisy represents "he was attached to listening to her". Someone who hacked my phone and my daughter's phone listened to our verbal conversations as well as our private online conversations. The place that processes pigs is probably me. I transmute the energy of pigs and assholes. I turn pigs and lemons into ham and lemonade. 

I'm not entirely sure whose perspective I was seeing from, but it seems to suggest that what was eating me up inside...the cancer that showed up on my doorstep in the form of a stalker/hacker was given back to whom it belongs to. Tails for a cat is a big part of how they communicate a lot of information about what they are feeling. Having this cut off means some of the ability to communicate had been cut off. The hair was a clue as to where Daisy had been. I have reddish curly hair, so this seems to suggest, again, that I am the pig processing plant in the dream.