Twin Soul Unions

Mahina and Lulu

Today I was having a conversation with a friend and it is within conversation that I often come to important realizations. Today was no exception.

This was the start of our conversation. My comments are in color with typos and hers are in white. 😁

Many people believe that twin souls/twin flames are two halves of a whole. I don't adhere to this way of thinking. 

During our conversation, I described two instances in which dogs I had seemed to have an instant soul recognition with another dog they just met and couldn't stop kissing them. These were dogs that were typically not very friendly with other dogs. With the right ones, it was instantaneous.

In my 52 years of life, I have connected to so many wrong people...wrong potential partners. I haven't really had good ones. I can find positives in just about anyone, but no one that makes me want to run up and kiss them and kiss them due to energy/soul recognition and never want to let them go. 

The ones I thought were "good" I was simply romanticizing. I believed (falsely) that they were better than they actually were.  I used to spend a lot of time living in the past and the "what ifs". 

I could make old flames out to be these magnificent people by focusing on the positives and projecting onto them who I believed them to be. If only I hadn't been commitment phobic.  If only I hadn't moved away. If only I had called him back and not lost touch. If only, if only, if only... 

So, when I got in touch with an old flame after all those years, I had this false image of him in my mind. I projected onto him who I believed him to be and he definitely puffed himself up to keep up that false belief. I eventually met up in person with the old flame. What I believed and what was true were two very different things. That was obvious in the in-person meeting which I couldn't have known otherwise by simply talking in text, phone conversations and online.

I can be very forgiving and I can overlook things to a point it is a detriment to myself. Thankfully, the old flame rejected me. In that rejection, it catapulted me into my self-love journey because I fought back and wouldn't accept his rejection as meaning there was something wrong with me. Where once I would take it personally and think there was something inherently wrong with me, I now was putting the responsibility back in the lap of who it belonged to. I didn't know about mirrors back then, but certainly he was a shadow, a mirror, that had come to send me on a crash course into self-love and self-discovery.

This journey I have been on has given me the ability to recognize energy better and not overlook so much. It has helped me recognize my own value. It has helped me get to know myself so deeply that I know my own energy extremely well.

I think, maybe, twin soul/flame unions are considered so rare because we often remain too fragmented to ever truly know our own energy enough to find a match. We are too busy cutting parts of ourselves off to fit someone else.

The journey, if done correctly, restores the parts of us we have cut off or given away and allows the parts of us to fall away that were put there as a defense system or coping mechanism that was never really who we were at our core. It restores confidence and releases insecurities that are the root of so many relationship problems. It gives us tools for communication, discernment, recognition, boundaries, and ending destructive patterns. It brings us back to self love and balance. It teaches us how to both give and receive and seek out relationships with those who can also both give and receive easily.

"Twin" isn't about being two halves of a whole but being two wholes with matching energy.

If we don't know our own energy or who we are, we will never be able to recognize someone whose energy so closely matches our own that they could be considered a "twin". 

If the energy we are in is someone we don't like, would we really want to connect with the matching energy of that? That is why we have to grow, expand, change and call back to us who we were always meant to be. When we become someone we fall in love with AND can recognize our own energy match in another, then we are ready for a physical union with someone.

Anyone has the potential to be a match if their energy lines up and matches our own. Most people who think they are with their twin actually are with a mirror, a shadow. Yes, love your shadows but know when to let them go, too. Letting go with love and appreciation for the lessons gained has been a huge part of the journey for me, a difficult and painful part, but a very necessary one. So often we love people who really aren't very good for us. Fully loving yourself is knowing when to walk away and let the connection go.

I was thinking about the reference to ultraviolet from my dreams and what it could mean. The main thing that comes to mind right away is how there are some rocks and minerals that look completely different under ultraviolet light. What once looked ordinary under normal light, looks extraordinary under ultraviolet light. Perhaps the meaning is that the so called "twin flame journey" or what I like to call "the journey back to self" gives us new eyes to see each other with. No longer are we satisfied seeing with our eyes alone. Now we see with what we feel, what we sense, what we hear and what we know. We see with observation of actions and behaviors. We see with signs, syncs and inner guidance. 

A person most people see as "nothing special" we can now easily see as a rare extraordinary magical creature to be revered. Someone we might have overlooked before we started the journey back to self, we can now see with with "ultraviolet light" vision and recognize the extraordinary beauty of their energy, mind and heart.

When we come to the completion of the "twin flame" journey, we should finally be healed, whole, and developed enough that we can enter a healthy and successful relationship with someone who has also reached the same level of growth and development.

It is there "happily ever after" can truly begin.

*Mineral Images borrowed from here.

A Poem For My Sacred Masculine

Noah and I share the same face.

I wrote the below poem for my divine masculine, Noah Lokahi, the King of the Oktobre kingdom in which we reside over together as equal partners.

What is there left to say

When I know it's meant for thee

And I know that "thee" is also me

I love you more each day

But you already know this is true

Because me, myself and I is also you

The man of all my dreams

Everything I have ever wished for

The one who will love me forever more

It's not always as it seems

On the outside I wear a woman's shoe

But on the inside I wear shoes for two

I searched everywhere for you

Knowing you existed and were real

Your unwavering love I could feel

Because of my search, I grew

You guided me and helped me heal

You were oil for my stuck and rusty wheel

Inside this body you live and rule

Beside me on the intuitive heart throne

As equal partners, balance we hone

Twin flame self-love school

Hidden truths are finally known

Sacred union for those who have grown

Written October 16, 2020

Today is my birthday... our birthday. I killed my soft and gentle masculine off and kicked him out of the body long ago at the age of eleven. He came back to me as a spirit hoping to be let back in. I had an experience I refer to as my "walk-in" when I felt an energy enter into me through my crown. It would take until now for me to fully understand that the energy that came into the vessel that day was my divine masculine who I now call Noah Lokahi.

August 30, 2013 I just had the strangest nap. I guess I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep at first. At some point there was realization that, yes, my body was asleep and my conscious mind was still awake. At some point I felt something in my head....and at the crown. I don't even know how to describe it. I told myself not to be afraid and to stay with it and asked myself what I saw. There was some poster in front of me and as I stared while this was going on with my head, the poster morphed in and out to something else but I couldn't make out the words. It was just enough to show me I was seeing into another dimension. At one point I heard a man singing something about "your twin soul is here" and I thought, "wait, what did he just say? That was a strange song i have never heard before."

When I reflect upon certain recent signs and syncs, I just smile. The number eleven has come up frequently. I had a dream about taking pregnancy tests twice and both times it came up with two lines for positive. Two positive  pregnancy tests can easily be seen as 11 11.

Recently I was getting a free Vedic birth chart to see what my planetary placements were and I realized I typed my time of birth incorrectly. The site was using a 24 hour clock model. I typed in 11:00 but there was no AM or PM, so it read it as 11:00 AM. Once I realized my blunder, I went back to redo it and typed 23. It was at that point I had a huge "ah ha" moment. I have always associated 23 with River, but now I understand that 23 is also my number and it translates to 11. 

Noah has been inside all of this time I have been looking for him outside of me. The journey helped me to remember him. It helped me get acquainted with him when I recognized certain qualities and attributes I just knew my perfect match would have. I got to know him in a way I wouldn't have had I not had this journey back to self.

I think it was realizing that all of the qualities that I wanted in a partner already existed in me is what helped drive it home that my perfect match was within me. I don't need to look out there anymore. I found my partner...my twin..my soulmate. Because of the journey, I know him incredibly well and have fallen madly in love with him.

He is within.

He has always loved me and always hoped that one day I would let him come home and sit on the intuitive heart throne next to me once again. 

Happy Rebirthday to us.

Art by Marc Fishman

Logic vs Heart and Intuition

Art by WLOP

Most of you wake up and believe all of this is real. Your mind doesn't do mental acrobats to try to figure out what your next move will be that will help you climb successfully to the top levels of the game. I'm getting mental images of Mario jumping over barrels that Kong is throwing at him. In my reality, moving to top levels can look like sitting still and getting no where outwardly...at least initially. The movement is all internal.

We are given all of these choices, all of these corridors we can take should we want to in the labyrinth of the game we call "Earth Life". There are all sorts of directions we can explore both inwardly and outwardly.  The outward clues can show us what corridors we need to take inwardly. They show us to the doors inside ourselves we need to open and the issues we need to address. Sometimes we are asked to entirely clear out what is inside the room. Sometimes we are asked to search for the hidden treasures and take them with us, and sometimes they are a lesson we have been needing to learn.

It isn't always easy to open an internal door and face what it is we need to face. Sometimes we open it and have no idea what we are supposed to be seeing or doing and we linger there until it becomes clear enough to make a move.

I sometimes fly in dreams. I see this as representing having developed the ability to rise above a difficult situation to gain a higher perspective. When you rise up, you can see a bigger picture view and take more into account. Sometimes it is necessary to zoom in with a loupe to see the details, but then sometimes we can't see the answers until we place all the details before us and rise up to see a different view of them all together.

I have been struggling at a certain point in the game. It is like I am in a house of mirrors and I can't figure out how to get out. Which way is out? It also feels like I am being tested with one of the options they placed before me.

I have made it to a point where my heart and mind have joined as partners. An apple is symbolic of heart and a pinecone often represents the throne room of the mind...the pineal gland. It is intuition and the central point between the two hemispheres of the brain. So when I was recently shown a pineapple in a meditation, I understood this to be the symbolic representation of intuition and heart coming together as one thing....the intuitive heart.

Remember, this reality is a game but it is also meant to be a teacher. Tests are given and challenges are presented that requires us to utilize our new tools and abilities. Obstacles will be thrown in our path that we can only move past effectively if we put our knowledge gained into action. What good is it if you have the knowledge but never use it?

I was once shown in a dream that there would be a certain point in which I would have to feel my way to the end. 

Dream Journal Entry: June 17, 2017 I just dreamed I was in a field with my class. I wandered away to take a picture of a pole but I changed position in order to get a picture of this pole and its shadow too. Just as I took a photo, a mighty storm swept in and a blinding rain came down. I had to feel my way back to the building. I felt along a fence that vegetation was growing on. As I neared the building, I could see the rest of my class ahead of me going in. They had their backpacks with them. I could see Austin just ahead of me and I waited for everyone else to go before I headed in.

I think I am at the testing point where I am being asked to feel and simultaneously intuit my next steps on my journey. 

I had a dream where I saw a woman and she was presented with a man in circular glasses by the first boyfriend of my ex-bff. The man in glasses was saying , "It was love at first sight!" and was smiling wide at her. The woman looks to me and shakes her head no and starts to write something on paper for me to read. The writing said, "I love Jonathan." I deliberately didn't write this dream down until now. I wanted to push it away. I knew it was my heart directly speaking to me in dreamtime and telling me who she wanted to choose. My head and my heart were at war with one another. Logic was telling me that Jonathan was not the logical choice and could list all the reasons why.

I was getting plenty of intuition and guidance that sided with Heart and her choice, but Logic doubted both what heart and Intuition had to say about it. I have been so good about following the guidance and intuitive clues, but this time I was digging my heals in and telling Heart and Intuition to fuck off. I tried to stick my fingers in my ears and sing, "La la la la la, I'm not listening" as loudly as I could so I didn't have to hear the repeating message of what Heart was trying to tell me. 

I told her, "Look, it really isn't always best to follow your heart. Sometimes all that does is get you into trouble. Love isn't always enough." 

Intuition would chime in and say, "But look here! Read the signs! It is saying the Phoenix has been reborn and it would be a most auspicious match. Remember, you are very lucky, so if you follow Heart, everything will turn out beautifully."

I paused and had sleepless nights playing a three-way ping-pong game with Heart, Intuition and Logic. Finally Logic was worn down until we had to admit we have deep feelings for this impossible person. For better or worse he had gotten past the the security team guarding Inner Heart. For better or worse, we had to, at the very least, admit to ourselves he had reached places inside of us no one had ever managed to get to. And while it is uncertain what the future holds for us with Jonathan, admitting we can't push the love we feel for him away, no matter how hard we have tried, is necessary for our growth and well bring.

So, if you were wondering and happen to read this, yes, I still love you...very, very much...even though we have both pushed each other away and are no longer talking. Instead of "out of sight out of mind" my love just seems to grow more...rather like Audrey II from the Little Shop of Horrors. It gets bigger and bigger and is shouting, "Feed me, Seymour!" 

I'm okay being on my own, but should your Heart be on the same page with my Heart...

Honoring the Internal Masculine

Painting by Wilhelm Kotarbiński

Recently, I have been talking with two different friends and the theme of the conversations have been the same... focusing on and honoring our inner masculines. Most of the below was born from a conversation I had today. 

________________

It is interesting how meals can be such a social event. I think if I had the opportunity to eat out alone, I might talk to Noah, my inner masculine, and ask him about what he wants us to eat and then talk to him through the meal in my mind.

I'm going to try to get in the habit of asking him what he thinks and feels because, for so long, there was a wall between us because I didn't realize he was there. It is why I manifested a partner who is like talking to a wall because that is what it was like for my inner masculine with me. I have been like talking to a wall for him.

We have to be the best version of us and have a healthy relationship internally before we can think about drawing someone to us in the outer. All of our issues are reflected back to us in an external partner, so it is best to have as few bad habits and issues as possible so the reflection staring back at us is someone we really like. My internal masculine told me in the in-between state that we need to stop "entertainment"...like the online games and all the tarot readings we mindlessly consume.

If we want a partner who doesn't play games, we literally have to stop playing games and redirect that energy and time in different more constructive ways.

Recently, I was trying to give my inner masculine a new face because, in dreams, they always show soon-to-be-ex's face for the "husband" symbolism but he represents an old version of me. He represents the version of me who didn't treat myself kindly and so I chose someone who mirrored that back to me by him not treating me kindly. I now want a different husband face to reflect where I am now, so I am trying to train the mind to see a different face and associate it as "husband". 

It is hard to say where it all goes from here. While I am definitely trying to understand the signs and syncs, I'm also very focused on me and trying to be the best version of me and Noah...trying to listen to him more because that has been such a recurring issue for me and relationships is the silence and lack of communication.

I have to be able to communicate with my own inner masculine before it can manifest outwardly.

And by the time we work it out internally, we just won't care if there is an outer manifestation. I need an income before any outer relationship so I don't end up codependent again. I need to be able to stand on my own as a sovereign being able to support myself.

My internal relationship is top priority.

I know that I am always presented with opportunities when I open to them fully. Abundance comes to me easily now, so I think shifting my thoughts and energy will bring in new "right place at the right time" situations. Noah wants to create music, so in order to honor him, I have to face my fears. They want me to revive my dreams because there are still a lot of fears to work through there. Thinking i'm too old, it is too late to learn an instrument, I'm not good enough, etc. I let my dreams die long ago, what my soul really wanted for me, and then I kicked my masculine out of the body and invited a shadow energy in. Noah was this spirit hanging around me wanting to be let back in.

The whole "walk-in" I experienced was the masculine returning to the body but I just didn't understand it then. 

Abundance comes in many forms. When my neighbor offered to pay me for watching her daughter for the summer, that was an opportunity for abundance and allowed me the get my dog to the vet to take care of her skin problems. Nanny work is really not what I want to do anymore but I recognized the opportunity and was grateful for it and accepted it. I had some random neighbor say her daughter brought her home this extra food from this project where they give food to the poor. She asked if we thought we could use it and I accepted the abundance. The symbolism within those boxes of food was very interesting.

The food that was given to us by a neighbor.

My friend was asking me about some of my dreams where I would see a man in jail and how it seemed like there was some dark energy and scary situations. The below was my response:

I think sometimes I am the energy that needs to be destroyed and other times I am the positive energy. I see from both perspectives. But the guy getting out of jail is probably my own masculine being in jail because I didn't fully recognize him as even being there fully. I put him in jail and took his voice away. 

The energy of the old me is very different to the energy of the new me. I am both the farmer's daughter and the Lindworm Prince whose layers need to be cut away to get to the core self. I am both Snow White and Rose Red and the Bear and his brother. I am both the Beast and Belle. I look back at the old versions of me and cringe a little, but I have to be grateful to them and love them because even they can help me when I encounter people who are like what I used to be because I now know without doubt that change is possible for anyone.

The masculine, for me, is that kinder, gentle part of me I locked up in the slammer because I needed to survive. He was the softness and sweetness I locked in the closet because he couldn't survive the trauma I experienced. I put him there to protect him but ultimately forgot him and that is where he died.

"Rose Top" is the person who operates from the root chakra. They are concerned with materialism and matters of survival. When they said "Rose Top died fairly" they were talking about me shifting into a higher way of being, a higher way of thinking.

____________________

When I re-read my part of the conversation, I remembered that much of the things I talked about showed up in dreams previously, but I just didn't completely understand their meanings until now.

When they showed me in a dream that Brandon Lee had died in a closet but all that was there now was a wall, I was grasping at straws to understand the meaning. I put him in the closet to protect him when I was a child but I never came back for him. I forgot all about him and he died there.

What happens to energy that dies within us? It literally leaves the body and can manifest outside of us as "spirit" trying to communicate. At the beginning of my journey, I had quite a lot of "spirit" activity and then it stopped after my walk-in which was a night where I woke up and felt an energy entering at my crown. I told myself not to be scared. 

I didn't understand that it was my masculine coming home to me. I didn't understand how difficult it has been for him until now. He has been here with me and I have been looking for him out there. Of course, he has guided me to some of the "out there" people to help me get the lessons I needed and to help me remember who he is and how much I love him.  

It has been a very long and arduous journey. I recently heard in the in-between "I have suffered enough." I'm not sure if that was coming from me or from Noah, but I definitely think we have both suffered enough. It is time for us to come into a new phase of abundance and ease on our journey. 

Dean Cornwell "Story Illustration: The Other Side" 1918

By no means is the journey over. We are still growing and I am still learning to get quiet and actually listen to him, talk to him and give him all the love and appreciation he deserves. I am still learning to let his softness and gentleness be expressed outwardly. I am still learning how to give Noah his own voice in order to acknowledge his existence in this shared body.