Last night, on a hunch, I did a search of actresses who killed themselves because I had had so many dreams about having dropped out of school that felt more like a reference to suicide than actual 3D reality school. The first photo I saw was the above one of Jean Seberg and I just knew. Rose is a symbol that comes up over and over again in dreams, signs and syncs and I had just had a conversation with a friend about roses coming up for us. In fact, days before, I had a sync show up that gave me pause so I did a screenshot of what I saw. I often do this as I am collecting my puzzle pieces and trying to put them all together.
This particular synchronicity had multiple connections. Many of my dreams have a fairy tale connection and the story of Snow White and Rose Red, which is a Beauty and the Beast variation, is highly significant to me in figuring all of this out. I remember through dreams splitting apart into two... basically identical twins, which is probably why I see identical twins in my dreams so often. I believe this is how duality is achieved in this reality. One twin embodies light and one embodies dark but they are very similar. The only variation is personality.
I believe, also, that the dual aspects of self choose similar vocations and have similar personal issues within their lives only they approach them slightly differently. I believe this is true based on the guidance I have been given and the people I have been guided to. For instance, River Phoenix and Brandon Lee are the two who came to me in spirit. Both are actors and both died the exact same year. I kept being told that they were "two sides of the same coin". And then later I was shown in a dream having a piece of cake that was four layers and it had split in half on my plate. People thought I had two pieces of cake, but I told them that, no, this was actually a single piece of cake. Later in the dream I saw two lamps and discovered that their cords met and they were powered by a single source. I think the same is true for most of us.
I was guided to Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 and later to Laura Jane Grace of Against Me!. Both are considered a type of punk by fans and both are the primary song writers of their bands. Without them, the band essentially would not exist. I was drawn to studying Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison and again I was seeing two people who were the same but different.
Over and over I was seeing this pattern emerge that the average person would not be aware of or think to consider. So after having discovered my life as Ava, I considered that there must be another actress I hadn't discovered who was the light part of the duo as I believe fully that Ava is the dark one. I searched for an actress who had killed herself because it is such a big theme pervading my own life. That combined with the whole "dropping out of school" in my dreams and then coming back to finish made me feel there was something to be discovered in that search.
I read the whole list of actresses on that specific page and the only one I felt drawn to was Jean, so I explored more about her specifically.
As I explored her life, just like with Ava, I could see aspects of myself in Jean. Jean grew up in the Midwest and naturally had a strong sense of fairness and strived hard to to be inclusive to those who were considered minorities. She had a kind, gentle and giving heart, and in many respects, it was also her downfall because she didn't have a lot of balance. She didn't always make the best choices with her philanthropy and often got taken advantage of. I could see in her the kind, gentle sensitive me I was as a child. But life took its toll and the kind hearted me, the Snow White me, became buried in layers of ice and snow and the darker me "rose" to the surface and took over for her sister. In dreams there is a person named Rose and Rosie. And once I heard, "Rose Top died fairly." I didn't understand what that meant at the time, but I think it was showing me that the dark aspect had given way to Snow White so she could sit beside her sister in the driver's seat. I don't think Rose literally died, just stepped back and allowed some of that gentleness and kindness back to the surface. I had become angry, bitter and mean in order to survive my life.
Ava would eventually die alone with very few people actually caring that she had died. Frank Sinatra was one of two celebrity people who sent flowers to her funeral. She had pushed everyone away and let her addiction, bitterness, and regrets consume her. She didn't kill herself directly, but her choices led to her early death at 67.
Jean always felt misplaced and like she didn't belong here and I can relate so much to this feeling as I have always felt it too. Jean's life helped me understand some of the choices I made for this life. She had a string of romantic relationships where some were worse than others. But it was one after the others and sometimes overlapping because she was legally married while involved with some of the men. Ava had similar issues. I, however, have been largely commitment phobic where I think "love = pain" and I either sabotage myself, run away or choose people who are unattainable like all the crushes I had on gay men. They were safe. I could safely be affectionate without any expectations. When exploring the North Node in my astrological chart, I learned a lot about why I chose this life and the way I am living it. Finding Ava and Jean and learning about them confirmed exactly what the North Node exploration showed me. In this life I wanted to explore independence and not be so overwhelmed and mired in muck by relationships. In this life the person I wanted a relationship most with is myself.
On further exploration, I learned that Jean had two children. The first son was raised away from her in Spain by a nanny. I gasped at this and said to myself, "No wonder!" Later, she would have a daughter on August 23, 1970 which is also River Phoenix's birthday. Two days later her daughter died. She was heartbroken and devastated. She would never fully get over the loss and her partners would later reveal that she had tried to take her own life around the date of her daughter's birth and death. It explains why I am so drawn to mothers who have lost children. Ava had gotten pregnant once while married to Frank and, because of strict penalties she would face with her contract with MGM, she opted to terminate the pregnancy. Both women suffered a loss and both dealt with those losses in their own ways. Ava drank everything away. Jean became depressed and withdrawn. She became suicidal and would eventually succeed in taking her own life in 1979 at the age of 40.
I can understand completely why my whole adult life has been dedicated to raising children. First I raised other people's children for 17 years because someone else had raised my son, and then I stopped everything and sacrificed a lot so I can be home raising my own child. She has barely had a baby sitter. I can count on one hand how many times we asked friends to care for our daughter while we went out for a few hours. And is it any coincidence that I was determined to have a little girl even if I never married? I think not.
Night before last I had a dream where I had come upon a woman who was crying that her baby girl wasn't breathing. She held her baby out to me and I wasn't sure what to do. I was trying to find my way out of this place and I didn't want to be delayed. I asked her if she knew CPR or maybe there was some emergency assistance on campus that could help her baby. I believe fully that woman was Jean Seberg, an aspect of me, trying to help give me the clues so I could help her and her baby by putting the pieces together and healing all of our lives by restoring balance within this vehicle.
Clues are around us all the time trying to show us what we need to know about who we have been. We tend to ignore and brush it away. Everyone wants to have a celebrity past life, right? Not me. I have a strong distaste and loathing for celebrity. I can't think of anything I would like less than living in a fishbowl with no real privacy, which actually lends more weight to the idea that these two women are a part of me. They lived that life and it didn't end well for either of them. It seems understandable that I would choose a life as a "nobody"this time around.
Edited to add:
Yesterday I said the below to a friend as a response:
Ditto! I love you so much too. ❤ I know there are those scattered here and there who get it. They hear what I am saying and they understand the language I am speaking. But it is when we go into the trenches in "enemy" territory and speak openly about what we believe that it can get pretty difficult to endure the flames licking you, taunting you to see if you will run from them. I didn't come to preach to the choir. Fuck. I didn't come to preach at all but I share my journey, I share my ideas and opinions in places that are unfriendly because I know those places need the seeds in my pocket the most. I know you do the same as well. And when we brave those fires and walk away, we don't walk away unscathed. We walk away transformed and changed for all that we learned from those difficulties.
I didn't know why I was typing what I did at the time, but as I researched Jean, I learned that she had been badly burned during the filming of her first film, Saint Joan where she played Joan of Arc. Suddenly the words I selected had so much more meaning and gave validation to the idea that she was within me, helping me and guiding me.
