Those Dastardly Shadows

Photo by Emilio Jimenez

Recently I have taken on something new with my posts that I share on Instagram and Facebook. I have attempted to illustrate lyrics from songs I love. I tend to post a series of three things that are connected either visually or by subject matter in the quotes so this new attempt could fit right in to what I do. Mind you, I do this for no other reason than because I enjoy it. I enjoy this form of self expression.

My most recent shares illustrated a song I love from Them Crooked Vultures. And yes, my boyfriend, Dave Grohl, was part of that project. lol But nevermind  that. It is a brilliant album that really hits the spot right now. The first song on the album called "No One Loves Me & Neither Do I" is wonderful on a melodic and riff level and the lyrics make me giggle every time. I especially like the lines "You can keep your soul, I don't wanna soul mate" These words kept repeating in my head and images started to emerge of the woman who would say those words and I just knew I had to put illustration to lyric. The images I selected were women portrayed in a dominatrix role.

I knew while I was selecting the photos that they could be pushing the envelope a bit for my Facebook audience. The audience on Instagram is highly dependent on what tags you choose to use for a photo. I waffled on whether or not I would include my Facebook friends in these shares and in the final moments I laughed mischievously and said "fuck it" and pressed the little Facebook icon and pressed "share".

My Facebook friends are made up of real life friends, family members, former employers, mommy friends, a few young budding minds and a whole lot of spiritual people. Collectively they are all over the board as far as their openness to appreciating these images is concerned. I predicted I would lose a friend or two and I was right. I figure the cream will rise to the top and stick around.

Photo by Koray Parlak

It is because I hesitated and was concerned about what people might think that I ultimately chose to share the images with both social media audiences. I know many might assume I have come to that point where those thoughts of other people's opinions never creep in to influence my choices, but even the most seasoned practitioners of "not giving a fuck" are not immune to having those thoughts pop up when we are at the border of a comfort zone and faced with a choice of crossing the border or staying comfortable.

I had another motive as well for sharing this series. I had just shared a series of three talking about passion, love and sex. The images of couples were soft, pretty and poignant. I wanted to give a taste of the shadow side to this theme for balance and contrast. Shadows are an important part of life and our shadow selves should be embraced and given love rather than rejected. And I am not saying go out and act on criminal impulses. If your shadow side is harming another, then it needs to be put in check and you need to come to a place of understanding about where the impulses stem from so that you can heal what needs to be healed for you. But for most people, their shadows selves is really relatively benign and more about what people will think of them if people knew it existed.

I am neither only light or only dark. I am both equally. There is a darker side to my light and I love it and embrace it. I am a multifaceted being and I have many interests. Why should I limit myself based on what I think people might think of me? I shouldn't and neither should you.

Love your shadows.

Live out in the open.

Be you unedited.

Why I Will Never Be a Skumfuk, The Power of Words

Since I have started participating in the Sum 41 community, I often wonder what Sum 41 fans called themselves before the Screaming Bloody Murder album which was released March 25, 2011. It was, by that time, their sixth album. Their first album was released in 2000. On the album is a song called "Skumfuk" and fans adopted this term to refer to themselves. As the t-shirt says in the photo of Deryck "PROUD TO BE A SKUMFUK" and many of his fans adhere to this slogan and happily proclaim they are "Skumfuks". Many go so far as to tattoo it on their person.

I have always maintained I will NEVER claim to be a Skumfuk. I will explain my reasons why in this blog post.

Words are a funny thing. Some words seem shocking to others...like the string of profanities I sometimes utter without blinking an eye like they are filler words as common as "and"and "um". I don't look like that sort of girl to have such a potty mouth. Words are what I use for my artistic medium and words have power. We use words in communication. We use words to identify ourselves. We can use words to harm or heal. Every single day words go through our heads quietly and sometimes those words are negative self talk. We use words to degrade ourselves and each other and sometimes we aren't even aware we are doing it. Self-deprecation becomes as natural as breathing. Someone gives us a compliment and we squirm and negate it by saying something negative about ourselves.

"You are so talented. I love your drawing!"

"I think I suck but thanks anyway."

"You are beautiful."

"You think so? I hate my nose and I wish my hair was straight, but thanks anyway."

There are so many ways we are cruel to ourselves and put ourselves down and we don't even realize it as we think it is harmless. Adopting degredating words to identify ourselves is another way of doing that because if you really look at the words and what they mean, you will understand and hopefully never again identify with a word, phrase or term that is dis-empowering.

Let's look at the word Skumfuk which breaks down to "scum" and "fuck".

https://www.merriam-webster.com/

https://www.merriam-webster.com/

Impurities and a foul filmy covering mixed with a sense of disgust. Hmmm and this is what fans are calling themselves without giving it a second thought. This is what the band themselves are now calling the fans.

Now let's take a look at the lyrics of the song the term comes from:

"Skumfuk"

Take the pictures off the wall

Erase the thoughts, forget them all

The choice is yours to save yourself

Or in the hands of someone else

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh [x4]

Broken thoughts and alibis

Conscience disappears in time

Voices are all that I can show

And all that I have is a soul

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh [x4]

Yeah.

You're a set-up to fail

You're a dead-beat on parade

With a foot in the gutter

And the other in the grave

You've cooked your silver spoon so black

So die

What can I say?

Guess it's obvious you would end up this way,

When you live amongst the dead.

The best of luck,

As the one and only resident scumfuk.

A victim or just a tragedy?

I hear you talk

But I don't hear you speak.

You don't make sense,

Your mind is incomplete.

I can't believe all the things that you say.

You just can't get enough.

We'll all be waiting here just for the day

That your time is up.

What can I say?

Guess it's obvious you would end up this way,

When you live amongst the dead.

The best of luck,

As the one and only resident scumfuk.

A victim or just a tragedy?

All that I need is time for me to breathe.

Dream little dreams that only I believe.

Now that I see beyond the light,

I know I'll be, I'll be alright.

Firstly, let me say that I love this song. The whole album is one of my favorites. I don't know about Deryck, but I know when I write my poetry, often the "you" I am speaking to is myself. To me it seems obvious that Deryck is speaking to himself and this is about his battle with his addiction which is what the line "You've cooked your silver spoon so black" is a direct reference to...addiction. How many times have we seen in movies images of a drug user cooking the drug before injecting it. This is a song about knowing how lost he is and not knowing how to pull himself out. There is self-degradation all over it and beating himself up over his path of self-destruction.

With all of this in mind, I see the term "Skumfuk" to be one of self-degradation and one that keeps speaking over and over again of the battle he was losing with himself and how much he hated himself for it. Why would I ever want to identify with a phrase or word that holds so much heartache, sadness, and struggle?

I will not.

Not ever.

So should you choose to identify with a word, a phrase or label, really look at it to see what energy it holds and decide if it is empowering or dis-empowering and then make your choice. Dis-empowering words and phrases work on a subconscious level. It doesn't happen suddenly. It happens gradually and then you one day realize you are in a deep dark hole and wonder how you got there. Little did you know that each negative word you spoke to yourself was a scoop of dirt making your hole deeper.

Choose your words wisely.

Twisted By Design

"Empieter" by Minjae Lee

  

Sometimes there are songs that speak to you more than others. Sometimes the lyrics speak what is in your heart as though someone reached inside and pulled them from you. Sometimes the melody moves you and transports you as though it contains a magic that other songs just don't possess. While I love the entire "13 Voices" album by Sum 41, this particular song is easily my favorite because it does all the things I mentioned above. I feel the words deeply.

"Twisted By Design"

I've got my scars to bear

Stitches just can't repair, woah

There's no one to blame this time

Absolution's waiting on a PRAYER

I'm breaking down the walls

Unveiling my share of faults, WOAH

This blood on my hands, is a blessing

In a lifetime, twisted by design

But I'm so alive

Is it a THREAT or the cure?

Cause it's a brave new world

I don't know if I'm ready for

Just a test

Cause I'm miles up above you

Flying with no safety net

I don't believe in FATE although

This time I think I've met my match

Why are the dreams so hard to catch

Cause you forget in time

What it feels inside

You LIVE right on the line

But I'm so alive

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every beat of my heart

I ALONE will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your HEART is gone

But I say it's really only just begun

All along you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

I'm twisted by design

"Eclipse" by Minjae Lee

I'm taking the days as they come

But now I'm seeing the WORLD as if it had a thousand suns

I admit that there's somewhere along the lines

I guess I lost my grip

But luck has turned the page

And time is all I need to get things right

One more chance to catch the light

Cause you FORGET in time

What it feels inside

You live right on the line

But I'm so alive

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every beat of my heart

I ALONE will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your heart is GONE

But I say it's really only just begun

All along you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

I'm twisted by design

Starting over again, but the further I get

I can't stop these walls from closing in

Going out of my HEAD, all the tears that I BLED

They're not enough to take my pain away

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every BEAT of my heart

I alone will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your HEART is gone

But I say it's really only just begun

All in all you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

In some ways I've changed

And I've left it all behind

But I can't change the way

That I'm, I'm TWISTED by design

Lyrics by Deryck Whibley

You can listen to this song at the below link on Spotify:

https://play.spotify.com/track/2ym7V4V42KWJ6VbdYZGj8V