Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Blogging Through Withdrawal Symptoms

omg....THE headache has started and I can't think straight. I feel like I can't stay conscious and my body wants to just sleep. I'm irritable and can't seem to control my snappish annoyed responses. The caffeine withdrawal monster is rearing its ugly head.

I thought I would churn out some randomness while I sat here suffering. So while I was scooping poop in the yard, I started thinking about the whole Francis Bean/Lana Del Rey verbal exchange. Is it fitting that I was scooping poop and thinking about celebrity poop? Lol I would link the ridiculousness here but I am typing on my phone and it is too much of a pain in the ass from this mode. The gist is that Lana said she wished she were dead right now and mentioned Kurt Cobain. Kurt's daughter had something to say about this on Twitter.

I don't think it is fair to assume Lana was glamorizing death or suicide. The truth is, some people just really do feel like they don't want to have to deal with the shit anymore and if there were a handy dandy switch to flip so you could opt out, I expect there would be a lot of tortured artists and musicians flipping that switch. Maybe Lana wasn't considering she was a role model. Maybe in that moment she really just felt that she didn't want to be here anymore. The music business and entertainment industry is filled with slimy people  and leaches. I can imagine, though her life seems fab, she probably has a lot of shit days with shitty people she deals with.

I'm not a celebrity and I have days and moments where I feel like I just want out of this bullshit earth game we have going on. I stay for my daughter, but if I didn't have her to tether me here, I'm not sure I would stick around. That isn't glamorizing death. I know death is not the end so it doesn't scare me.

For years and years I have had dreams that I am back in highschool and I suddenly go "What the fuck am I doing here? I am too old for this shit." And I leave the building. It wasn't until just this last year that i finally understood what what those dreams were about. Basically it had been a while since I had incarnated into earth life. For whatever asinine reason, I chose to come back here. See there was a mission I signed up for but I am not at all happy about being back in highschool. I'm fucking over this experience and a part of me just wants to be done. I'm too old for this shit and FUCK my head hurts. As much as I want to be done, I know I won't take myself out. I just need to vent about it sometimes. I will do what I came here to do but it doesn't mean I won't moan and groan about it along the way.

My point is, I can see how someone could say what Lana did and it isn't just because I have a girl crush on her. It is because I could picture myself saying the same thing and people being aghast that I could say such a thing.